I sit here, listening to you breathe, after tearing up at closing the blinds to our hotel room. I just died. It's about 9:30 pm. You start to fuss. It's been about 2 hours since you fed. I give you the bottle I prepared earlier. Today was the final day in your fathers state moot court competition.  It was a struggle to keep you in my belly to finish the brief for this competition and his graduation. I was in labor for about 2 weeks until I finally said enough was enough and went into the hospital the night of your fathers graduation. Seriously though, I really don't think anyone knows how hard I tried to keep you in for your father. I love him more than words can say. You were ultimately 5 days early. The last few weeks have been insane. Insanely crazy. Insanely amazing. Insanely, I hate it. They said I would fall in love with you immediately. I feel bad for admitting that I haven't. I feel ashamed, because that is what I'm told to feel. I feel, obligatory. I'm obliged to feed. I'm obliged make sure you are safe. I have to sacrifice myself for you. I will do everything for you, because yes, I love you. But I resent you. I feel like I have thrown away my life for something I didn't want and can't control. Was it worth it? So far I would say no. Are you cute? Are you adorable? Omg, yes. Would I kill for you? 100% yes. Do I want you? *silent tear runs down my face. I don't know what to say. I know other women would kill for the opportunity. Your father has wanted you for over 10 years and we have put you off to be able to get our lives together to better support a family. I've been struggling if I even want kids. It's "bad" to not want kids. What kind of monster am I to not want them? I went off birth control the January before I got pregnant with you. Because your dad wants kids. Mostly cause that's when my birth control expired, and it was a relatively "good" time to start trying. I am currently 28 years old, your father is 30 (both a year younger when you were conceived).  Even though I had been laid off 5 days after I went off birth control, we decided to just "see what happened". I finally was able to get a new job in September, which I became pregnant probably within the first week of starting work. Not the best timing. I had a hard time convincing them to let me take time off to have a baby and actually, come. Back. To. Work. In my line of work, having a kid as a woman is a death sentence to your career. Not what I wanted at all. They automatically thought I would become a housewife. I'm not that kind of person. I don't look down or dis house wives, I am just not the type of person to be one. I'm a very pragmatic and calculated, and have to plan for things type of person. Hence, Back to the earlier story, I pumped earlier today knowing that I would like to have a glass of wine to celebrate with your father in his win of his last competition. At about 9, I was kicked out of the bar (where we were eating dinner cause there wasn't anywhere else close) because I had you with me. It was a hotel bar, not too loud and definitely not even half filled with patrons. You were pleasantly passed out, milk drunk and diaper dry. But the fact that I had a kid, I was no longer allowed. Huge, huge shocker to my self-being. Yes, I know I am a mom. Yes, I know a baby can't drink, duh, um waitress did you really think I need that brought to my attention?? Were we disturbing anyone, no. How can I even have remotely a "real" life with a kid? I'm now no longer allowed to live for me, everything I do must be for my children, and if not for them, for the "family". I gracefully, (as I'm "supposed" to do as a loving mother and wife) told my husband to go and enjoy himself with his team. While I sit here and cry myself to sleep, feeling trapped into this life that I must now embrace no matter the cost to myself. Letting myself, self worth, and complete being, die to allow for you. I love you, even if you do not understand what this love is.