Miscarriages Then Babies

I had grief counseling and my hubby and I tried to conceive again. I would suffer 5 more miscarriages until the following year. In April 2011, I got pregnant but this time I made it through the first trimester and baby was still alive and growing. Still wary from my previous losses, I didn't get excited until I finally entered the third trimester! Then December of 2011 I gave birth to my first daughter who is now 4 years old ❤️ My hubby and I were beyond happy we finally had a baby! Jump to June 2012 I discovered I was pregnant with my second daughter who was born March 2013. While this was a smooth sailing pregnancy in whole, I did develop a dermoid cyst on my right ovary. As my pregnancy progressed, the cyst grew to the size of a softball effectively destroying that ovary completely and doctors could not do anything about it while I was pregnant. By August of 2013, I Received surgery to remove my right ovary and the Fallopian tube. A biopsy of the dermoid cyst (has to check for cancer!) revealed that in it was teeth, a spine and some other body parts . . . It was disturbing for both my husband and I to imagine that there was a possibility that a baby started to develop but failed because it never fully left my ovary 😞Freaky stuff! 

Doctors assured me that the left ovary would compensate for the loss of the removed one so having more children should be just as likely as if I had two. It was not that simple. 2014 was the year of the monthly losses. For 10 of the 12 months in a year I miscarried each conception I had gotten. Lots of positive tests that barely a day later would be negative and bleeding would start. No real explanation for why other than the fact that I had too many "bad eggs" in my one and only ovary. Finally in May 2015 I became pregnant with my last baby, arrived February 2016. Everything I endured was worth it, because I have 3 beautiful smiles I get look at each day. There were times I wanted to stop trying because it doesn't get any easier coping with so many losses. Many of them were "chemical pregnancies" that had I not been tracking and taking tests as often as I was, I may not have ever known about them. But with the support of my husband and family, I kept moving forward. I could not have gotten through it without them. 

So now that I have had a third baby, my hubby and I decided no to push our luck for having anymore. I still have POCS and am high risk to suffer more miscarriages and complications. So now we are taking in the news that this baby factory is shut down for good. It's mourning the loss of a piece of youth that we know we can't take back especially as I enter my 30's. If I was syndrome free with 2 healthy ovaries it would be a different story. But we are at peace with our decision. 

To the women who are fighting or have fought infertility or multiple miscarriages: You are not alone and you never will be! As hard as it is, stay positive and keep trying. Know all your options and do what you must to find closure with each loss. It does not matter if your loss is first, second or third trimester, a loss is a loss, allow yourself time to mourn and heal. Don't be hard on yourself, your body is working hard to keep you safe. 

When you suffer a loss or many losses you are desperate for answers and you want to understand why your body is doing this! although nothing can really be definitive, I was once given a entirely plausible theory: A hospital issued psychologist once explained during one of my losses that most likely my body rejected any embryo that was probably likely to be born sick or malformed if he/she were to survive, so my body ended the pregnancy. While this never did make it easier, (that makes for a lot of potentially sick babies I lost!) it allowed me to feel less angry of myself, like my body is not broken but doing what it's designed to do naturally. It helped with closure. 

Stay strong ladies. Blessings to you and your families ❤️