I'm not okay. 

I had already thought out every week of pregnancy...I would have been 20 weeks on my birthday...finding out the gender would have been an amazing birthday present. 

My baby would have been born really close to, if not on, Valentine's Day. I was going to tell my parents next month while we were on vacation. 

Anyway...we all deal in our own ways. I am doing a good job of not letting it affect my work life, but my smile is fake. Praying my way through the coming weeks. This all has really shown me that I do really, truly want a second child. Praying for optimism when I get pregnant the next time...& low stress even though I will probably have a constant worrying feeling. One step at a time...