Open Letter

We have a great relationship, we talk things out when something bothers us, we can admit when we’re annoyed, and we are learning to let the small things go. Even though we disagree and fight like any normal couple, our relationship is strong.

There’s just one thing I cannot get past though, and that’s the recent lack of sex. I have tried again and again to address the issue in all sorts of different ways. Sexy outfits are rejected with a, “Well you look really nice, but I’m just too tired.” My attempts at initiation have become pleading or feeble fumbling where I end up pushed away. If I try to just let it go for a while and just let everyone have their space, the dry spell will go on for months. The move to my parents just seems to be the final excuse you needed to completely turn me away.

I am still sad about the other morning when you refused to kiss me goodbye before you left for Colorado. After all we have been through, after all we have done, you cared more about not feeling awkward than making sure I knew you loved me. That hurt me, and all I could think all day was what if something were to happen? What if my last memory of you or your last memory of me was that interaction?

You don’t try to sit near me on the couch anymore, you never initiate the little touches, the brushing back of hair, the quick back rub. I feel like you are so wrapped up in your own worries, about work and tests and houses, that you forget the good thing standing right in front of you. It hurts to realize that I am not enough to make you want to reach out to me.

I think the worst part is that it wasn’t always like this. We used to have fun, used to enjoy being intimate and loving each other. I know you may not think it’s a big deal, but for me sex is a way to connect to you on a deeper level. It’s what I want when I need assurance that you love me, it’s how I release pent up emotion, and it’s you that I turn to for comfort.

It’s really hard to describe how this is affecting me, especially since you don’t seem to care or see it as an issue. I want to be loved, to be appreciated as a woman, to know that in each touch or smile you are loving me. I want so badly to be desired, to feel like you can’t keep your hands off of me. I want to feel you kiss every part of my body and not think it’s gross or weird. Just loving and accepting everything that is me. I want this not even just in sex, but in our everyday interactions. Sometimes I get so mad that you can’t or won’t give this to me. It makes me want to scream, “Why won’t you love me!?”

I wonder if sometimes you withhold love on purpose, to punish me or make me beg. So that you know you are the one with the power. I wonder sometimes if it’s because I am too fat, because I don’t wear much makeup, or because I am bad in bed. I wonder if it’s because you just don’t love me anymore, or if complacency will be the rest of our lives. I wonder about other women, what you think of them. Maybe there is someone else you desire more. Maybe porn is more appealing than me, or easier to deal with.

But when we try to talk, it’s my fault. My fault for keeping count, my fault for not being more confident, my fault for not understanding why you’re just too tired, too worried, or too uninterested. It’s my fault for wanting more, for not being content. It’s my fault for not reading between the lines or reading your mind. I should just know that you love me! It will be my fault for writing this letter, for bringing up a non-issue, for lashing out, for disturbing your peace.

So where do we go from here? Nowhere I guess. I love you, I love this life with you. I know in my heart that you don’t do any of this to hurt me. The nasty voice in my head is the one that plays on my insecurities. I know you have your own issues you are trying to work through, to wrap your head around. I will continue to be here for you, supporting you through your ups and downs just as you have supported me. I will try to be strong and understanding and hope that one day, before we fall too far apart, the passion will be there again. That you will learn to reach for me, instead of turning away.

I have a uti

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