My dad..

So I'm laying here at 2:45 in the morning and literally got this rush of missing my father.. (I'm 16) He hasn't really been in my life ever.. since I was about 6 (from what I can remember myself from not being told by others) I usually have these Nights or moments occur every few months, but this time it brought me to tears. Tears of anger, love, hate, and no closure that I can come to believe. He's a drug addict, and I know it's good he's not around, but I always ask myself "Was I not enough? Wasn't I good enough for him to change? Why does he not want to be around me? He hasn't called me on any holidays since my 8th or 9th birthday.. (including my birthdays) I just can't get out of this moment.. I've been sitting here crying my eyes out because I'm actually jealous of girls, I'm jealous because they have this relationship I'll never get to have. It tears me up inside like no other. I also have this amazing stepfather, he's amazing. He's raised me since I was 5 years old, and even dropped his social life at 23 years old and helped my mother raise us. It's just not the same.. I can't bring myself to call him "Dad" even though I should because he is the one who raised me.. I don't even get why I can't just do it, or why I keep making and putting this guilt on myself.. 😕