I feel so horrible about the way j feel towards him, I think about another guy that I've known my whole life, even knowing that nothing will ever happen. I'm so shamed for the way I've been feeling.. What sucks even more is that I love my husband so much. That I just want to be on an emotional level with him, but he doesn't want to. I have this crazy connection with my friend. We've always had this connection growing up we just never knew what it meant. He encourages me to be a person and be a healthy person but when I'm with my husband it feels like a downward spiral. 

Idk I keep beating myself up about this. My friend has no idea what I think, and my husband doesn't even want to work on us while my son is just stuck in the middle. 

I feel like j have to stay with my husband just for my son. We tried everything to make this marriage work but he just doesn't want to improve :( 

End rant.