Its been 2 days

Its been 2 days since the hospital confirmed we have an angle watching over is in heaven. I'm seriously struggling to keep my life together enough to take care of myself let alone the people who depend on me. I haven't slept in 3 days and I haven't eaten since we found out we lost our babe. I am so angry at everything. Why does this continually happen to me? I now have 4 angle babies that I will never get to hold or kiss or cuddle. 4 sweet babies that I will never get to send to school for the first time and it's killing me. When I start to feel even the slightest bit better about life I start to feel guilty for my slight joy. Then it's back to self loathing for not being able to bring life into the world like a normal person. I feel a bit better when my 3 living babies are with me but it's in the lonely times I can't stand the sight of myself. I keep thinking 4 out of 7 pregnancies are failed. Its hard to think at least you have the 3 you do have. The 3 amazing little babies that love you and need you. All I see is the horrible darkness. I don't feel good