When your mental illnesses totally kick your ass and end up winning the battle. It totally sucks. But what can you do when you've failed everything you've tried? When all the hard work you've put into making a life for yourself and your family has gone right out the window? What do you do then?

I can't do this anymore. Any of it, all of it. It can't be done. I'm so miserable and sad all the time. This depression just keeps coming back full fucking throttle and I can't stop it. The more I try to be happy and smile the worse it gets. I've been to therapists, doctors, had them run test after test, tried medication after medication. Nothing works long term. Nothing helps.

I feel like a complete failure of a mother. My poor little girl. All she sees is how miserable I am. I know she knows I'm trying, but she also knows it's not working. I constantly yell at her for shit that's not even her fault. I grew up wanting nothing more than my mom to help me through life because she wasn't there. And I always swore to myself that I'd be such a good mom. But I'm just the opposite.

Now I'm pregnant again, and I don't want this baby at all. If I told My husband that, I think he'd collapse. He doesn't understand what I go through on a daily basis. My head is a fucked up place to be, and unfortunately I'm stuck with it. I try to be positive and look on the bright side. I really do. But can never get there. Its always just out of my reach.

I'm a nobody with nothing unless I'm married to my husband. I have no job, no money, no place in the world except here at home as a wife and mother and I can't even do that right.

Such an awful way to feel.

I just give up.

The world is better off without me.