4 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman Who’s Trying to Get Pregnant

There are a few phrases that well-meaning friends and family can utter to a woman who is trying to get pregnant that will absolutely send her blood pressure sky high, and her self-confidence into the basement.

Read on for some real-world advice on what NOT to say to your BFF who’s TTC (trying to conceive).

“Just Relax”

This phrase is rarely – if ever – helpful in any situation. But when doled out as “advice” to a woman who is trying to get pregnant, it can feel downright insulting. First, she feels the sting of the accusation inherent in the phrase, the insinuation that something specific she is, or is not, doing is the reason why she’s not pregnant. And then there’s the dismissiveness, as though her difficulties conceiving can be solved by “just” doing anything.

What can you say instead? Tell her that you’re sorry the process is so stressful, and that you’re there to listen when she needs an ear. Or, if you really want to put a smile on her face and help her relax, offer to treat her to a manicure, or schedule a Sunday brunch for the girls.

“If it’s meant to be, it will happen”

Sorry – what? This sort of fatalistic talk is definitely not what a woman who’s trying to get pregnant wants – or needs – to hear. The idea that she has no control over her own body is easily inferred from one-offs like this. And the double whammy comes because this could be a time in her life where she’s already feeling helpless.

Rather, remind her that she does have options. Or, if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, just listen to her express her feelings and fears. Often, the act of listening alone is enough to make her feel comforted. She knows you can’t solve her difficulties for her. More than likely, she just wants to be heard. And you can help her with that.

“Once you stop trying, you’ll get pregnant”

That’s not really how the whole thing works. It can take up to a year for many couples to conceive. In fact, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine doesn’t even recommend seeing a specialist until you’ve been trying for a full year (six months if you’re 35 or older). To suggest she actually stop trying, is not only not helpful, but could prove detrimental to her efforts if she were to actually take your advice.

Want to give her some helpful advice instead? There are a number of ways to track your cycle.  You could let her know that you read some articles she might find useful.  Or tell her you came across the First Response app – it’s FREE, and it could help her track her cycles and figure out her most fertile days.

“You’re thinking about it too much”

For a woman who is trying to have a baby – her first, her second, or her last – it is often the ONLY thing she can think about. From her point of view, the world is suddenly awash with pregnant women. In fact, most days, she is likely to feel that she is literally the only woman in the world between the ages of 18 and 80 who is NOT pregnant.

While it’s true that obsessing can cause stress – it’s never good for anyone –TTC or otherwise. But telling her to stop won’t help. Instead, try to distract her for a little while by doing something she enjoys. Even something as simple as taking a walk together can help her to change perspective.