I'm not really sure who to talk to about this. My best friends aren't married and I don't have anyone in my family I trust to give me advice on this. My husband and I have been married a year now, and the year has been very hard. Not to get too into it, but mainly I've been really struggling mentally with depression and feelings of inadequacy and pressure. My husband is 40 and I'm 27, and I'm pursuing a career that is difficult to get into. I have made great progress with the career but it's still not bringing in a ton of money. I supplement with part time jobs and apply to multiple jobs a week but am not getting any responses to my applications. So anyway, all of these things and also family issues I have been really off the past few months and have especially withdrawn sexually. He's way more sexual than me and wants sex daily, but I really don't think about it much lately. We've been very open about it but I don't think he understood what he meant by me telling him it was a problem with me until recently.  He loves me very much and I know it, he does everything in his life to benefit me. I've been struggling with even figuring out how I feel about everything in my life lately, including him. He has anger issues (he would never ever hurt me and i know that) where he gets kinda tantrumy/grumpy and has an attitude when he's feeling upset or angry. Because of how my mind twists things recently I've been focusing on that and scared for a continued future with him because I don't want children who handle anger the way he does. Anyway, my own issues aside he did a really bad thing. Back in June one of his best friends (female) wanted someone to go to a Kenny chesney concert with her. We both are not country fans, so he told her if she absolutely didn't find anyone else he would go. I was totally fine with this as I really really don't think he would go so far as physical cheating and also I'm not a jealous person! I have always felt this girl had a crush on him, and my best friend even noticed and spoke to me about it when she met her once, but I don't worry about it because he would have been with her a long time ago if he wanted her. He was very open about their friendship when we first got together, and told me they only ever kissed once when really drunk and it was so awkward they didn't speak for months. So the night of the concert everything is fine. I go to sleep and wake up with a strange feeling. I honestly was just worried thinking something happened to him because it was in philly. We often check on each other with the "find my friend app" when either one of us is in Philly just to ease our minds of worry. So I see on the app that he's in the holiday inn parking lot near the concert venue. I take screenshots with my phone and wait for him to come home. The next day she has to come over to get something she left at our house, and I get some majorly weird vibes from her. I kinda blew it off thinking maybe he had vented to her about our issues and she thinks I'm a huge asshole now or whatever. He talks to me about his night and says flat out without me asking that they parked at the holiday inn because there was not any parking near the venue and the holiday in is one a couple blocks away. So for the past few months the weird feeling hasn't gone away. I kept feeling like I was crazy and also I can't trust my feelings right now. But I buckled yesterday and did a horrible horrible thing that I honestly never do. I went onto his email on his computer (he's always logged on) and typed her name in the search bar and pulled up all email exchanges from her. I didn't read them all, but I saw an email where he was talking about thanking her for letting him vent and something like "you wouldn't wanna be my fuck buddy would you? Lol" and "don't worry this email is safe if you know what I mean" and she responded basically "I don't wanna get between a marriage, I've had a guy try to get me between a marriage before... Blah blah". At this point I had read enough and closed the email down. So when he came home I didn't handle it that well and just said to him "can I ask you something I've been afraid to ask for a while? Did you go into that hotel with ____ the night of the concert?" He obviously flips and asks where this is coming from, we argue and I tell him he seems very defensive for an innocent person, and ask him if there have been any inappropriate messages between them. He tells me no and I say I don't believe him and eventually tell him I went into his email and what I saw. He says he doesn't remember those messages, that obviously he sees that he sent them but he didn't really know what he was thinking, he was feeling insecure, he would never take it to the physical level blah blah blah. I won't keep rambling but I called him out on contradictions (how do you accidentally send a message? How do you not remember those messages you just send a couple months ago when I ask you about inappropriate messages? These things you say indicate intent to me, what if she had said yes, etc. ). He's very upset and apologizing and crying and saying he's stupid and made a huge mistake and that he never ever would cheat and that it wasn't an emotional affair with her or anything and that he has no problem cutting her off forever, he doesn't know why he did it, he's never felt the way he feels about anyone the way he feels about me, he pines for me and longs for me (the pining and longing is something I don't feel for him. I love him very much and he's a good person, but I have been wondering if not longing for him when he's not with me is a problem). He wanted to go somewhere else and give me space to think but I told him I wanted him to stay, even though it's selfish but I needed him to be there to talk to or yell at or question and I didn't wanna be alone. He stayed and we are very friendly and sleep in the same bed and talk about things and even about unrelated things. I fluctuate between crying silently, sobbing, wanting to throw up, and just numbness. We slept and I woke up crying in the middle of the night. Then fall back asleep and wake up to find him sobbing in the living room. He comes back to bed and is still crying and I'm hugging him just listening, because he's not a bad person he loves me so much he just did a stupid thing. He apologizes over and over and hates himself. We fall asleep again. He wakes up to take care of the dogs, apologizes, and says he loves me so much. He took off work today (I work from home) but didn't know what to do about staying or giving me space. I told him he can stay. I'm angry and extremely hurt but I don't dislike him and I don't just stop loving him. He wants me to tell him what I want because he can't stand not knowing but he is also understanding that I need time to figure out how I feel. I kept waking up last night waiting for my head to be clear and it never is. I feel so numb now. I can't figure out how I feel. I'm scared to loose him and our life, but I don't know if I can trust him. Reading those things he said was like seeing a whole different version of him. I feel so weird and confused and he keeps telling me he will totally understand if I want a divorce but that he will never stop loving me or being there for me and that he won't date anyone else. Even if I date someone else, he says he would still be waiting for me and if me and this potential person broke up he would be there after  saying he is still here and still wants me. I know these could very well just be things he's saying right now but I believe him to some extent. He's hating himself right now and was so upset last night he threw up. I need to talk this out with people are married and know you don't just throw a marriage away, but also have a somewhat unbiased opinion because they don't know us, and also who can maybe give advice from experience. If we divorce I'm totally fucked. I can't make enough money to live on my own and moving in with either one of my parents is toxic for me. I can't even think clear enough to figure out what I'm more scared of, loosing our life together and him, or of basically being a teenager again and moving in with a parent and still struggling to find employment and pay bills/feeling like a fucking bum. I feel like I could forgive him but I don't want to have this always tainting my mind and making me distrust him and eventually ruin the marriage anyway because it's always in my mind. Any advice or wisdom?