So years ago i was really depressed, to the point, im ashamed to say this loud but I used to cut myself badly. Some never understand why some do that and like i said i was ashamed, I was abused physical and mentally for 3 years. Really bad to the point i would passed out. But that was the past and i changed all that for my kids. And still ashamed of them because im a mother with scars. I didn't think about Postpartum depression until it started, i thought i can get over it and i cant talk to anyone about it because im afraid they'll think I'll cut myself which I won't because i already hate the thought that im a mother who her kids soon will know what my scars are. And i dont want more when my scars are already really noticeable, i hide them because my oldest already notices them. I can't imagine what she would think when she gets older. I am 3 weeks postpartum, i just want to be myself again. I didn't think it would hit me this hard. I dont want to talk to my SO about it because i dont want him to think I'll harm myself. I try to think positive but so much is piling up and on top of that i can't even breastfeed my daughter which I've been wanting to breastfeed for 9 or a year. I thought I can overcome this but slowly just been beating me down to the point i cry in the middle of the night and hating myself. I feel awful that i feel this way especially when im a mother.