Am I the worst?

So, this is gonna be kind of long... I've known this guy for two years and some months. When I first met him, I had a huge crush on him and he liked me (or, said he did, at least) as well. This guy is long distance from me, I met him online. We had a lot of issues, meaning we would talk on again and off again. I didn't question it most of the time because I was so into him. Well, about 7 months after I met this guy is when I met the person who is now my boyfriend. And I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. For about 6 months of us dating, I would adult think of the other guy. My feelings for him just wouldn't go away. I wanted to only have feelings for my boyfriend, but I could not stop my feelings for the other guy. My boyfriend and I have an open relationship to an extent, and he was okay with me flirting with this other guy and such. At first, it felt like I had the best of both worlds. But then, things got very complicated. My boyfriend began to get jealous, and the other guy got into a relationship with a girl that he had dated for a year before. I felt like I has hurt my boyfriend, and I didn't know what to do about the fact that I still had such strong feelings for the other guy. After about a month of him being with his new girlfriend, I stopped talking to him completely. I have not talked to him for almost a year, with the exception of him sending me a message in April telling me he missed me (to which I did not reply.) I tell myself that I hate him, and I tell my boyfriend that I hate him. But the truth is, my heart still aches when I think about him and I still miss him. On one hand, I don't ever want to talk to him again. On the other hand, I wish that I could have him. I hate feeling like this. I don't think about it very often, but when I do, it really sucks. I'm in love with my boyfriend and I would never ever be with another man, but sometimes I do miss him. How do I make these feelings go away? I feel horrible, I feel like I should only have feelings for my boyfriend and not think about another person. I guess people say that your first love never really goes away, but I just don't know...