Its been 2 weeks since I saw my baby's heart beat and 1 week since we found out it wasnt beating anymore. It has been 2 days since my body let my baby go and I am not ok. I try to pretend to be ok, and positive, and understanding of it all because why have everyone in my life be as upset and sad and devastated as I am? I put on a smile everyday and I dont want to. I eat meals because that is what normal people do. I laugh at jokes because that is what normal people do. I cry by myself in the shower because it muffles the sounds of my sobs. My heart actually hurts. I waited for so long foe this miracle to happen just have it ripped away from me. I have strived my whole life to be a compassionate, empathetic, loving, caring person to everyone I come into contact with... Hell, I take care of people for a living... I dont ask for things... This is THE ONLY thing I have ever asked for.. The only thing I wanted FOR ME .. and what do I get.. I get a "Just Joking"... Thats what it feels like.

My husband wants to try again.. And so do I.. But I am scared it wont happen. I am scare that I am going to end up disappointed over and over and over again until I die. I try to think positively, and sometimes I am... Really.. But right now it is hard to be anything but angry and sad and it pisses me off even more because this is not me... This is not who I am.. I am. Not usually a mean, hateful, angry, pissy person... But I am. Now.