15 years ago I got married to sweet man who promised to be patient with me sexually for as long as it took because he knew my history.  He was good to me and we both waited till we got married.  And then on our honeymoon and for many years after he forced me and berated me and was nothing like the man I married and it hurt terrible.  

Then about 8 years ago I finally found my voice and we nearly divorced as I gave him ultimatums but he decided to change and become a better man and now he's great!  The problem is, it still hurts.  He's more gentle but I just can not seem to overcome the memories totally.  I am improving but it's a hard and long journey.  

So I decided to learn to be nice to myself to try and relearn that sex doesn't have to hurt.  I just bought myself a little vibe for my clit, and a set of Ben Wa balls (fifty shades themed lol tho I never read/saw it).  I tried both and no matter what setting I put the vibe, I can not seem to stand the intensity well.  I put the balls in me and they were hard to put in and hard to keep in.. like too big or something.  And it shouldn't be too big- been married 15 years and he's large (I wish he didn't penetrate), and I gave vaginsl birth once- but it kind of hurts going in.  I got them cuz many in the site said it makes them really wet to have these inside and I thought maybe I could practice mentally getting used to things inside me and I need to be able to get wet myself and never can.  I feel very broken as a woman, especially reading all you gals having so much enjoyment.  So I guess I'm looking for advice in how to use Ben wa balls for someone like me, tips to help overcome my fears and learn to enjoy, and until my body can learn to produce its own wetness I need a recommendation for nice quality lube - safe for toys, won't irritate, and won't dry up too fast on me and won't feel sticky cuz that's a trigger for me... hope this all makes sense.  I feel so stupid I don't have my body figured out at age 37 but I'm determined to slowly recover myself and all that was stolen from my life.  Am all ears... oh and I have zero confidence even when I feel brave enough to explore because of how he treated me and said how terrible I was in bed our first years together... I'm so glad he changed but I'm still damaged and want to heal and enjoy.