FTM birth anxiety unsure what to do *possible triggers*

My first pregnancy, 29 weeks with a little girl due mid feb.

OK so coming into the third trimester the anxiety I have been feeling about birth has intensified. I've already spoken to my consultant midwife about the possibility of a scheduled, elective c section and I've agreed to keep an open mind for now and do my research while she has agreed that if it comes to it she would support my request for an elective C. I went to my first birth class yesterday thinking if I knew more about birth I'd feel calmer about it but the opposite happened.

It's not the pain I'm scared of. I mean obviously it's not gonna be nice and it will hurt but that's what I signed up for. It's worrying about things happening to my baby and not being in control. Then thinking about everything else leading up to the birth stresses me out too - you have to be in established labour to stay in hospital or they send you home, what if I leave it too late?! I don't have a hugely high pain threshold so would probably need drugs to get through it, I prefer the sound of a spinal block for surgery rather than the side effects for baby of the opiates and potential after effects of epidural. The thought of forceps or venteuse makes me feel sick, as does the thought of nurses checking my dilation with their hands. The fact I don't know how long it will take or what will happen, that we can't see the baby to know if she's ok, we don't know when I will start to labour, if I will tear, etc etc. And I know that all this anxiety will potentially result in a natural birth being more stressful. I really don't want to be induced if it comes to it and I also want to avoid having to have an emergency cesarean.

I feel that knowing when and how the surgery will go, without worrying something is wrong with my baby (like in an emergency c) will make for a calmer and more positive experience for both me and baby. I like that there will be lots of fully trained medical professionals there to deal if anything goes wrong and recovery or post operation issues for me, while I am mindful of them, don't terrify me like the thought of birth does. I worry about her having to come out too soon or not being able to bond with her properly afterwards due to recovery but I have a very supportive husband and family who will help me out with everything while I focus on me and baby.

Some background on why I think I feel this anxiety: previous depression and anxiety, was a victim of mild sexual abuse as a child at the hands of a family friend, extended member of family gave birth at home (not through choice) earlier this year, baby's head got stuck and starved of oxygen and he died at 12 days old and after 20 week scan we had 4/5 weeks of hell where the hospital said our daughter had heart problems and showed signs of Edwards or Pataus syndrome and so probably wouldn't live. They've now said all those signs have disappeared and she's fine but it really messed me up at the time.

So I guess I'm looking for some stories, advice or opinions either way. There is no physical medical necessity for me to have an elective C but there is I feel a strong mental reason. I'm well aware it's not the easy way out, I just want my baby here and safe and in my arms. Sorry it's so long!!