I Feel Like I'm Breaking
I did the normal blood screening for second trimester. 
The doctor called and told me that there is something wrong. He said there is an increased risk for Trisomy18. And babies don't live to delivery or don't make it home from the hospital. If they do, they are so severely genetically messed up they can never live alone and don't usually survive the first year.
I can't breath. We were just in the office on the 6th and everything was fine. I was angry. He did an ultrasound. But he tells me his machines are old so things might not be as fine as he thought.
I wasn't gonna come here and write this. I've cried through the night. I can barely think.
He said I have a 2% chance of a problem meaning there is a 98% things are fine. He said those are good odds.
I don't feel like good odds. I sobbed in the office and they acted like I was crazy. I'm on a freaking waiting list to get to a better ultrasound machine because there is only one for 100 miles.
I'm scared. I've begged God to spare my child. I can't even get results of more testing for another week. I can't fathom telling my son who is so excited to not be alone anymore that the baby is gone.
I'm trying to pray. I'm trying to find peace. But I keep breaking down. It has killed my joy. It has killed any thoughts I have about celebrating Christmas.
They say these babies are small and do not develop properly. I could already feel this baby at 16 weeks. I'm almost 19 now. I can still feel the baby moving.
I'm so scared. Every movement. All the waiting. I'm trying to trust God but I live in the backwoods place without proper healthcare. And I'm just so broken. We've looked into going to the city for answers, but they won't even see me until the 21 and the hospital here can see me on the 16.
I feel like a shell. My husband looks at me and worries. I just don't understand. I've had 3 ultrasounds. How did we suddenly get here that this child may not live to see January?
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