My Journey began in September 2013, my husband and I got married. He left for basic training two weeks later and two weeks after that I found out I was pregnant for the first time. 

I lost that baby on November 20th. I was heartbroken and alone. I had written letters to my husband but he had not received them yet. At that time, I was living with his mother, and it felt like a nightmare. She found out I was pregnant by listening to a phone call. I asked her not to say anything to the family because there were some issues but she did anyway and told me not to tell my husband about the pregnancy. Of course, I wasn't going to keep that from him. (I could go on and on about that situation but we will just leave it at that.)

2014; We moved to our first duty station! I started having medical issues.. I was also diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression and PTSD (from past traumas that I never dealt with). 

In August, I miscarried again. I had no idea that I was pregnant. 

2015; I was working full time. I wanted nothing more than to have a baby but I was okay with our life. My job was very stressful and it was taking a toll on my marriage. We never really got to spend time together...

On New Years <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a>, I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test. ❤

2016; I lost our third baby January 21st. I left my job just a few weeks later because of how I was treated. I was high risk because of my previous miscarriages and at that time my levels were not going out like they should happen. I was supposed to go in to have blood test two times a week and see the doctor every Friday but my work made that very difficult. At that point, they believed it was an ectopic pregnancy so I needed to have a D&C to test the tissue. I ended up losing the pregnancy naturally that night. In total, I took 4 days off of work. (Mind you, I had kept them updated the entire time and had all of the correct documentation so they were well aware of everything that was happening.)

When I returned, they told me that it was extremely irresponsible for me to take time off of work for an elective procedure. So, I left!!

*****June 2016, I found out I was pregnant yet again. I was absolutely terrified!!!

I was due February 14, 2017. 

I attended a training to become a Certified Peer Specialist and was fighting with the OB clinic to be seen. They didn't want to see me until 10 weeks but I had lost the previous pregnancies before 9 weeks so I need to make sure this baby was okay. 

FINALLY, everything was going great! I had a very active baby with a healthy heartbeat. 

September 30th; It's a GIRL!! We were over the moon! Unfortunately, they told us that they saw some abnormalities. I was then classified as high risk and sent to a specialist that was an hour away. 

I had to have another scan and I had an amniocentesis. They told us that her heart had not developed properly and there were other small findings. We were all pretty sure it was some sort of chromosome disorder. The results came back normal! We then saw a cardiologist and he confirmed that our daughter had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. We were looking at multiple heart surgeries but she had a chance. 

November 22nd; We went in for our weekly check up and got the worst news I could have imagined. She developed Hydrops... Fluid developed around her heart and in her abdomen, she was in heart failure. 💔 They told us that she would not make it much longer. They told us it would probably be a situation where we came in for our weekly check up and there would be no heartbeat, then I would be induced. 

They told me that if I did somehow go in to labor naturally, it would kill her. She could not survive labor and delivery with her condition. 

We decided NOT to intervene in the pregnancy. (They had asked us multiple times before)

**December 8th; My water broke at 11:30pm. 

We got to the hospital about an hour later and they confirmed that I was in labor. This was happening. I was terrified because we knew that her birth meant her death. 

I had a very fast labor and delivery, I kept asking if she still had a heartbeat and she did. The nurse came in and checked me at about 730 in the morning and I was 5 cm dilated. Not even 15 minutes later, her head was coming through my cervix. 

Anna Marie Smith was born at 09:31 AM. She was 5 pounds and 15.5 inches long. 

She left this world, in the comfort of her Daddy's arms, at 10:50AM. 

We got to spend they day with her until I was released that night. 

She kept that heart beating until she was in our arms. She didn't cry but she let out a couple breaths that we could hear she moved her feet and her hands a few times. Anna knew how much I needed and longed for the experience and she gave that to me. 

She was so strong, I couldn't be more proud. 

We had a Celebration of Life for her. 

We have her ashes in a tiny pink urn that goes into the back of a teddy bear so I can cuddle with her. 

I miss her so much.