Talking To Myself Part 2
January 8th
The Evening of Understanding or Acceptance?
So I miscarried
We'll have to tell our family and friends
I'm more worried about all the pain they'll feel
I hugged my cousin (in law) today after running into her at the grocery store
She said she was worried for us from the “Keep us in your prayers” post
Little does she know when my stomach touched hers during the hug
There was nothing there
I feel like this is a lie
A secret
My deceased, unborn baby is a lie
We're hopeful to try again
This has taught me that I can't always get what I want when I want it
But parts of me are worried this is my “thing”
One day when we announce it again
I feel like we'll all be battling to keep our happiness low
“Just in case”
I plan to do this better than this time
Go to the dentist and get all the work I need done
Go to the obgyn and be tested
Maybe my body rejected him or her
My tests didn't get terribly darker
Did my body not know the baby was a good stranger and not a bad one?
That's my fear
Not that it'll happen again
But that if it does, we still won't know why
You always hear women struggle to get pregnant
Little attention is on the fact that some struggle to stay pregnant
I talked to my sister-in-law who lost her baby at 9 months old
She kind of gave me a bit of hope because she said the future is what keeps her strong
Maybe that will work
I've used the future as encouragement through a rough childhood
And family losses
But I'm struggling to use it now
I was scared of miscarriage from the moment I found out I was pregnant
Why?
Did my body know?
I kind of sensed I was pregnant
And kind of sensed I was not pregnant anymore
I don't want to be that person who thinks they knew everything before it happened
The shaking your head “I swore I knew”
And you know they're full of shit
But I felt that I was going to struggle to get pregnant and I was wrong
But I wasn't wrong about being un-pregnant
“Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why”
Thanks Ed Sheeran
My sister-in-law said our nephew is showing our baby around in heaven
Do I even believe in heaven anymore?
Angels take the deceased from their bodies
In their homes
At the hospital
But the toilet?
That's what has me the most fucked up
But at least I could do it all (hopefully) at home and not on a metal medical table
Naked as people poked and prodded me
At least our baby got to see our home
And their dog brothers
At least my body knew what it had to do and did it in nearly 3 days
At least my baby wasn't alone
I was there
I will always be there
Fuck.
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