So a week from today, on January 31st I'm having a scheduled csection for my first pregnancy. I will be 36 weeks and 1 day. I found out at 8 weeks I was carrying twins, identical boys to be exact. I went to my "anatomy" ultrasound for them at 20 weeks and 4 days. Which we were very excited for especially since we thought I'd made it half way through. We unfortunately found out I lost my Baby A, which we had already named Parker. They had thought I lost him within the last week, because their sizes weren't much different. And they had no reasoning for why it happened. From there I switched OB's since the one I had before was an idiot, and I started seeing a specialist as well weekly with ultrasounds. I also had an MRI done on my survivor, because the other passing could have given him brain damage. But the MRI's came back normal. I also received steroid shots for his lungs at 32 weeks. I was trying to give some back story, but I'm just incredibly nervous. This is normal right? I of course love him so much already and can't wait to meet him, but I feel so much anxiety at the same time. The surgery and recovery makes me nervous. Because I feel like things always go wrong for us and I don't even get the option for a vaginal. And I have known this, but it's all the thoughts of being completely responsible of this precious baby. What if breastfeeding doesn't work out like I want it to. What if I'm a horrible mom and he doesn't like me. I know it's silly but it's all thoughts I'm having. Plus they will have to deliver Parker after him. We have decided to see him and hold him, and are doing a cremation to always have him with us. I've also had to have all that arranged in the past couple weeks too. Planning for a birth and pretty much a funeral as well has not been easy already. I'm scared my grief will override my happiness of him being here. Terrified PPD will happen. Just this pregnancy has gone nothing like I thought it would. It's been such a rough ride. And now with only a week left, I think ALL the emotions are hitting me at once.