Heartbroken.
My heart still hasn't healed from having my ideal birth stripped away from me. My natural labor, my breathing exercises and coping mechanisms - useless, because my amniotic fluid was low, because I was almost two weeks overdue, because baby was no longer growing. Induced, only to end up with my son's skull caught in my deformed pelvis, bruising him. An emergency c-section was unavoidable. He was born on January 18th, at 4:53am - perfect, beautiful, small. 6lbs, 9oz and 20.5 inches of flawless beauty.
Gone were my dreams of immediate skin to skin. Gone was my "golden hour" experience. Gone was my opportunity to bond, to bask in the afterglow and wonder of birth.
Instead, I was stitched up and wheeled into a recovery room. The medication wore off quickly, leaving me in delirious agony. Nothing was working. Four medications and doctors were becoming frantic. My pain level was so astronomical that I was in tears, I kept passing out in between broken sentences, and I couldn't even focus on my beautiful son mere feet away. I couldn't touch him. I couldn't hold him close.
It took me three hours to finally come to, and by then, it was too late. The golden hour was gone. My opportunity to bond immediately, to establish a healthy breastfeeding connection, gone. He was still so beautiful, so perfect, but my birth was a nightmare.
A c-section from hell.
Here I am, 12 days postpartum, in tears.
My son won't breastfeed. He won't latch, he cries and screams, he doesn't want to lay on me or be close to me unless he's completely full on milk and ready to sleep. I feel so lonely for him. I wanted so badly to nurse him and to be close to him. My nipples are perfect, they say. His latch is fine. But he just won't. Non matter what angle, no matter what time, no matter what method.
I know he loves me. I feel it all the time.
But I lost out on so much.
Everything I wanted for my birth, to <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">nurture</a> and nourish him, stolen from me.
I pump every two hours so I can at least bottlefeed him my milk. I'm exclusively pumping and proud of it, but I would do anything to be able to nurse him personally. I am so tired of lactation consultants and doctor's telling me I'm not trying hard enough, that I am taking the easy way out.
I'm trying, and that's all I can do.
I just wish people would stop telling me I'm not trying hard enough.
UPDATE: I am stunned by the response this has received! Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories and pain with me; it helps so much to know my feelings are normal and will pass in time. I am already doing so much better and am actively practicing acceptance and trying to fully function in gratitude. My son and I are working on our latch every day and there have been improvements! Sometimes it helps to just vent our sadness and have others to relate to. Thank you for helping my heart to heal. ❤❤❤
To the (very few) jerks who have told me to get over it and be grateful, kiss my derrière. 😘
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