Not sure if I'm even going to post this or just type it out to vent to myself. I honestly don't even know where to start. So if you're reading this because I actually post it please bear with me. All started almost 7 years ago. I was a freshman in high school, completely miserable and self conscious. I'd been sexually abused by my stepdad for years (it was still going on at the time) and was honestly terrified of any boy ever even speaking to me. Anyways, I meet this boy, Caden. We immediately become best friends and a few weeks later he asks me to be his girlfriend. My stepdad forbid me to date anyone, or to have a phone, leave the house at all besides to go to school. I end up falling madly in love with Caden, we for some reason think we're Romeo and Juliet or some shit and my stepdad isn't going to keep us apart. We date for 3 years in high school. The entire time he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend and a couple other girls. I moved out of my parents house as a sophomore and got my own place, were still dating. I was one of those naive girls that stays in a toxic unhealthy relationship just because I felt I was unlovable and nobody else would ever be with me. Plus I loved him more than I could ever imagine. Anyways. Senior year comes around, I ultimately get tired of the cheating and lies and break it off. Immediately I sleep with a guy we both went to school with at a party. He had had a crush on me for years. That turns into a fuck buddy like fling I guess. Idk we would hang out and go for dinner and have sex a couple times a week. That continues for about 2 months and then Jake (new guy) tells me he loves me. I admit I had caught feelings too and we start dating. We date for a year, during this year I still had contact with Caden, through text and occasional calls. We said we'd remain friends but it was clear the feelings were still very much there. He would get extremely jealous and ask me to leave jake for him again. Make empty promises and beg for me back. It really tore up my mind. I'm sure at this point in the story you probably already hate me.. which is why this is anonymous. I'll probably get terrible comments for it but I need something to do other than lay in bed and cry. Anyways. Jake treats me like an absolute queen for the whole year we date, he develops a drinking problem which turns into a huge issue for us, he broke into my house at 3 am and tried to crawl into bed with me once after I asked him to leave because he came home wasted. Slowly I start to drift out of this relationship and sleep with my ex. Jake finds out, we break up. Then my dumb ass decides to get back with my ex, we date again for another 6 months. The entire time we date again I find myself comparing him to Jake in every aspect. He didn't lie to me. Didn't cheat on me. Respected me. Didn't put me down the way Caden did. Then I realized I was putting myself in such an unhealthy sitauon and was so deeply in love with someone who was no good for me. I break up with Caden. A couple months late Jake reaches out to me and we begin slowly talking again, go out for date and boom the spark is back. I had never stopped loving him and would cry myself to sleep a lot knowing I had messed up a good relationship by going back to Caden. Jake and I start dating again. A couple months later He enlists in the military and asks me to marry him. I say yes but that I wouldn't marry him for awhile. He goes to boot camp and we write letters everyday, he comes home and everything is perfect. I adore him. Fast forward over a year and I'm six months pregnant with our first child and we're married. Caden and I have remained distant friends over the last year and still text every so often just to check in. I made the terrible mistake of having sex with him yesterday. I honestly don't know why... I just feel so lonely because I've went through this entire pregnancy by myself. I know that's no excuse and I'm a terrible pathetic person. But now here I am laying in my bed crying my eyes out because I betrayed my husband and now every feeling I have ever felt for Caden is back. I'm not asking anyone to reply, and any negative responses are welcome. I know I'm a total piece of shit. I just can't explain how this man was my kryptonite for years. He says jump and I ask how high. It's so pathetic. I don't know how to stop having feelings for someone who I loved for years. Someone I felt rescued me from the worst situation of my life. I love my husband dearly. He is my best friend and I adore him. I can't believe myself and am so ashamed