Am I a Terrible Person? Envy
My friend is having a baby shower this week. I'm tempted to not go. Not because I don't like her or wish her the absolute best. I already bought her gifts. It should be fun. I was excited at first.
The reason I'm toying with the idea of not going is probably the only time I've acknowledged my very human jealous side. Envy.
I'm pregnant with number 2. My only sister died a year ago unexpectedly while my daughter was only 2 months old. My only brother treats me terrible and I've cut contact with him. He's only seen my daughter once at our sister's funeral. My father and mother are deceased from cancer. They never met my daughter or saw my wedding. I was 14 when my Dad died. My Mom died 5 years ago. My god parents...my god father also passed at age 90 two weeks after my sister. My god mother has advanced Alzheimer's with no idea who I am. I couldn't make this stuff up- it's so ridiculous. My daughter went to two funerals by 3 months old.
My first baby shower was thrown by my mother in law but barely anyone came. I feel like I have no real friends let alone family.
Essentially, it just reminds me of everything I don't have and cannot experience. Maybe it's pregnancy hormones but it's making me feel really horrible about myself, alone and depressed.
Is anyone else dealing with a case of the envies?