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Did I fall out of love?
I've been married for 4 years and only the first few weeks were happy. His alcoholism and disregard for my feelings and needs made for a pretty bad marriage. I begged him to get us into marriage counseling but he always had excuses not to. In December I found what I thought to be irrefutable evidence that he had cheated on me in November and then again in December. This included text messages, Facebook messages, and several people telling me they saw him at the bar with a woman. One person confronted him and he said that he was getting a divorce (which we weren't, at the time). We separated for a little over two weeks after I found all that. In that time I was a blubbering mess wondering why I'd stayed this long and mourning the loss of our love/marriage. I cried every single day to the point of almost throwing up until I started talking to a guy from church. We flirted a little but he was primarily there for me as a friend and brother in Christ. After a few days talking we went out to dinner. It wasn't meant to be a date by any means but we had a wonderful time just laughing and enjoying each others company and forgetting the terrible situation I was in. We hugged goodbye and that was the only physical contact we had. My husband found out about this and was accusing me of cheating on HIM and tearing our family apart. I had no problem telling him about the whole thing because I didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong. Like I said, there was a little bit of flirting but I only condoned that because to me, I already lost my husband. I had every intention of remaining loyal until the divorce was finalized (I even kept my wedding ring on) but I was not above rejecting the much needed mood lift from a good friend. At this time my husband starts telling me half-believable alternate stories countering what I thought to be true; that he hadn't really cheated on me. I think I was so desperate to not have a failed marriage that I believed him and took him back, and felt awful for having had my own affair as he called it. As more time passes, the less I believe what he told me. During the time without him I finally started taking control of my life and now I'm miserable again. I don't trust him in the least and he doesn't trust me either. Every time I come back from church he has something to say about how I was over there singing love songs with my boyfriend. I'm finding it harder to work things out than it was to accept that I'd lost him. I don't have romantic feelings for my friend from church but I do kind of resent having agreed not to talk to him outside of what was necessary during church. He was such a good friend to me and even though our dinner wasn't meant to be a date, he treated me much nicer than my husband ever had and I find myself constantly comparing my husband to him and being disappointed by the contrast. I feel like God sent my friend into my life to show me just how much my husband and I don't belong together and that there is better out there for me. Thoughts?