How/When to tell the father?

Question

My BF and I are in our last semester of grad school. It's an incredibly intense program and we're both under a lot of pressure to perform well. Our graduation is April 29. I'll be like 14 weeks I think by then.

We've been together for 6 years but I know he's NOT ready for this. We're 26 & 27. From a financial standpoint I'm not exactly ready either, but I know with my degree I'll be able to find a great job (just might be hard at first cuz I doubt I'll have worked there long enough for maternity leave by the time I give birth). But I know I'll figure that part out. My parents were much younger and much worse off than I am and I feel ready on every other front besides my career. I want this kid. I realized I'm more scared of him leaving me than I am having the baby, and that's not a good enough reason to abort in my book. He's not even ready to move in together "for a few more years" so I doubt he will want to stay.

I will be heartbroken if I have to do this alone, but I know that I can if it comes down to it.

My question is whether I should tell my BF now, or if I should wait until we graduate?

I know if I tell him now with the stress of school he will NOT react well. It could potentially jeopardize his performance on top of that and I don't want to do that to him. I'm hoping that if I tell him after graduation when he can "breathe" that he might react better.

The only problem is I'm leaving for a study abroad 4 days later. So there won't be much time to process things before I leave the country. Telling him when I get back isn't really a good idea cuz I'll be like 18-19 weeks at that point and it will just feel deceptive to come back from the trip with a big ol belly.

Please help. Also, any advice on the wording for when I actually tell him?

I want to make it clear that I would love him to be a part of this but that I can do it alone if he's not up to it.

Answer

I'd say tell him right away! It doesn't matter when or how you tell him if he is a decent MAN then he will decide to stay with you and do the right thing! If not that he's not the man you or your baby deserve. He may surprise you, so just tell him.

Answer

You need to tell him asap. You'll just stress yourself out even more just thinking about it.

Answer

I would tell him asap. I think he might be hurt that you hid it from him until you're at the 14 weeks mark. Honesty is the best policy 😊

Answer

Your finals and everything will be a week or two of graduation, right? Tell him after those. That way he has a couple of weeks to process before you go. If he's 26 or 27 I'm assuming he's mature enough to accept it and be like "okay, it's time to grow up now". He may just be scared of the commitment of moving in together but the baby could easily change his mind. I could never keep the secret that long though so I'd have to tell him asap. My husband is a full time college student in a tough engineering program and my pregnancy hasn't hurt him in any way. In fact he's more positive and such than usual and doing better in school (he was already a 4.0 student so not much room for improvement though lol) and so optimistic to graduate next year.

Answer

Not telling him till after your exams may sound like a good idea ('he can concentrate on his exams!' 'It won't be a distraction!') but it will be like a brick to the face to him if you keep quiet till 14 weeks. Any person would react the same.

Let me tell you now; if you start work even immediately after graduating, you will most likely not qualify for maternity leave. Most companies require you to work a full year before granting paid maternity leave to you. And trust me, you are going to need this.

You need to sit down together, talk about this, and make a descision together. One thing that helped us make a descision, was to weigh up the costs of a baby, and whether we could afford it (we are 31 and 32, and even now, yes, being able to afford a baby was a huge concern to us, as we don't really have many savings)

Yes, it will probably impact on your exams, but that can't really be helped now. If you want to have the best chance of staying together, you need to tell him ASAP. Don't wait, don't hide it; but also do it in a private place, and don't immediately drop it on him that you want to keep it, or react if his first reaction is abortion; keep a level head. If you want to stay together, then this must be a mutual descision made with level heads.

Good luck xxx

Answer

Tell him now. You made this baby together and it is not your responsibility to protect him from stress. He's a big boy!

Answer

I would tell him for some that's Pure motivation and he has a right to know I know I started not to tell my spouse ....I prayed about it and it just came out..after expressing my reserve he said he would have been upset had I held it from him.Good luck ...wishing you the Best on All your endeavors ❤

Answer

Why should you carry this stress alone?  Part of a relationship is sharing. I thought my family would be pissed when I got pregnant and we've now been married 16 years and are expecting baby 6!  We have baby 5 in the middle of med school (super stressful!) and it made us stronger. You may be surprised. Give him a chance to choose to be involved. He may be sad you took that bonding chance away

Answer

I would wait until exams are completed...as you said you leave 4 days later...maybe on the last night of exams go out for a date (maybe dinner) and let him know.

Answer

Grad school is tough and you guys are almost there. I wouldn't necessarily wait until graduation but at least until the stress of exams and/or papers are completed.

How/When to tell the father?

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