SOS Sinking Relationship Advice
Alright ladies.. I really need some input.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We met as juniors in high school, and now we're adults. I'm going to college and he's in the military. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me too, but since he's been back from basic training our relationship shifted. It was heaven on earth before, friends were literally jealous of our healthy, honest, and happy relationship. I couldn't believe that I had found my soul mate so soon and I was excited for our lives together, as was he. Things got weird though. There was a couple instances when he got back that I caught him talking to his ex, which I wouldn't of minded except that he had gone out of his way to hide it from me. See I'm the type of girl who doesn't believe in controling or holding back the person I am with. I am all for them doing them, building their life as an individual and doing what they need to do and want to do. As long as they are honest with me, I have no problem and he knows that but still, he found a need to hide this from me. It really hurt, and it sent me down a bad path. I became the obsessive and scared girlfriend, always checking his phone/ social media, getting mad over nothing. All because he betrayed my trust. There were also instances that things just didn't add up, when he would go out drinking with his cousins, going to parties, etc. Things just kept on feeling off and it was like he lost interest or that he just sort of forgot about me. After a while of him doing the same thing over and over and making me feel so invisible I finally said fuck it. I told myself whatever happens happens I can't continue moping around and holding myself back for him. We're still together, but I really stopped caring the way that I used to. Now he is deployed, and about a month before his deployment he started noticing my distance and then he got scared. He finally began to try to fix things, but in his mind he didn't understand that a year of his bullshit couldn't be made up in one month of him saying sorry. It was going to take actions over words. So many times I wanted to end things but because of the timing I couldn't do that to him. So he's in another country and I'm here, handling my life, figuring out what I want to do but it's not the same. I miss him, but I'm happy he's gone and I shouldn't feel like that. It's wrong but it's how I feel. I dread talking to him, face timing him, putting in effort. I just don't care to do it anymore. I hate him for waiting for so long to finally see and acknowledge how he was treating me. We keep arguing because of my distance but I can't help it and I don't want to. I just want space. I want to worry about myself for the first time in 4 years. But he wants me to go back to worrying about him and I can't bring myself to do it, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do. I don't want to end it while he is over seas, because when he gets back what if it is all okay again. I keep holding on to that hope but deep down I know I'm being ridiculous. I've been meeting a lot of people in my new job, and a lot of guys continue to show interest in me. Although I reject them and let it be known that I am in a relationship, I can't help but be flattered by the attention. I'm at a loss. Four years of our lives I don't want it to go down the drain, but we're on such oppsosite sides now. I want to live my life and do things for myself but he wants to hold on to me and wants me to drag him around and involve him in every aspect of my life but I simply do not want him there.
Any advice at all, I sure could use it.
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