There's nothing more heartbreaking then to see your baby on the screen, to see them not moving, to see the heart and see that it's clearly not beating. As much as she was trying and making sure she wasn't missing anything, I saw that heart not move and I had to cover my eyes because I couldn't watch anymore. At four months we lost our baby. What was my happy day was now one of great sorrow. 

We just started talking names, and talking about getting the room ready and what we wanted to do. We are deeply sadden, however whatever the reason may be it was not in gods will. God was ready for our little angel to be with him. This Thursday will be a hard one as we go into surgery to retrive our rainbow baby and say goodbye.

My husband has been supriseingly ok, I think a lot of it is him being concerend about me and my feelings. He is upset but he says he knows god has greater things in store and that this child was meant for him. I go thru moments where I am ok and accept it and understand these things happen. I try really hard not to think about wheather it was something I did or didn't do. I keep telling myself it's not me and these things happen. But as a mom That's easier said then done.