!UPDATE#2! --should i give up and move on

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After our short meeting on the bench last week where he was ice cold and told me he just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me. 

I spent all weekend dreading the meeting with the mediator. Imagining all the scenarios possible... Maybe he would just not want anything to do with us. Maybe he'll want war over custody. I just didn't know because I don't know that man who doesn't love me. He always loved me, almost from our first date. Always wanted to best for us and our family. And I was so scared to see him again and see his ice cold eyes again like our family never mattered to him.

But it didn't go so bad... He came and kept picking at the skin of his fingers (that's his stress habit) while we waited for the mediator to let us in. I tried to do small talk but I wasn't very successful.

Then we got in there. The mediator made us sit on opposite side and explained the process of mediation. I looked at him to ask if he was ok with it since it had been my idea and he didn't know exactly what it was he was getting into. He said yes.

We went over the points we wanted to discuss. I said I would like to have some sort of explanation but didnt know if I would ever get one. To that he said he didn't know if he had one to give. No surprise there.

And I wanted to know how he wanted to be involved in our daughter's life because for now it seems like he wanted nothing as he never asked how she was doing.

He said he wanted to be in her life but he didn't have time to do it in the right conditions so he just didn't.

Then we both agreed that the matters we wanted to discuss were the rules of the separation, the apartment, custody, child support. 

He said that there was no need for negotiation because all he wanted was for me to agree that he could come see his daughter on Mondays and Tuesdays once his life would settle a little more. For the rest, he said it was up to me, that I only had to tell him what I needed and he would give it to me because he wanted me and baby to be happy. (In my mind, the only thing that came was that it was him I needed.. But I didn't say it obviously)

I did manage to say that i came back to town because I was ready for compromise, to only start dating again because things had become way too heavy, between the engagement, the baby, the health issues, the stress he had had with the opening of the restaurant and the frustration I had had seeing him gone all the time and being all alone caring for our little girl. I thought we needed to start over with less pressure, be young a little, learn to just enjoy being with each other again. That for me there was so much love between us that there was always something worth saving.

The mediator asked if that was the first time I told these things, and I said yes, because I never had the opportunity, that I had been asking for that discussion because I needed to settle the official stuff and have time to tell him this but that he didn't give me that time, and if he had no love left in him then there was nothing I could do.

I don't know his reaction because I didn't look at him then. And I have to admit I didn't look at him much at all after that, just once when I felt him staring at me.

 I cried during the whole meeting and even had a small panic attack at some point which I am not very proud of but well it happens.

At the end, the mediator told me to take all the time I needed to collect myself before leaving. 

He came and hugged me. 

He also asked if I could send him a picture of me and baby. 

And that was it...

I wonder if I'm ever going to stop loving that man even with everything he put me through these last weeks/months. I just don't know.

I just wish my brain would stop thinking about him at night. If I could just stop remembering our life together or what it would be in the future. I just wish I could sleep and not think and go on my day and not think... 

We'll see what happens in the next episode. I'm so tired of crying and tired of everything..