epiphany

just saying this out into the void because i know it's a personal thing and i doubt anyone really cares but...

I've been having a hard time bouncing back from a breakup with my ex. he dumped me almost three months ago and we keep seeing each other and talking and dragging this breakup out because i just couldn't let go, and i don't think he wants to either but i know it would definitely be easier for him to let go considering he's the one that broke this off.

Anyway, today started as just another day of grieving over him and being sad. but while i was on my way to my night class, i was talking to myself, preparing myself for yet another emotional exchange with him because i was supposed to call him tonight. and then i realized, I've been in 2 relationships back to back since graduating high school almost 4 years ago. Like i haven't really lived my adult life without having a boyfriend. although these 2 relationships were very different, and have taught me 2 very different and important lessons, i haven't given myself the chance to be a single woman focusing solely on myself.

And all of a sudden moving on without him doesn't seem so scary. It still hurts that it didn't work out between us but i genuinely want to know what it feels like to be able to be an adult without being in a relationship. I don't want to be one of those people that's always dating someone, i wanna be able to happily sleep alone and happily share all of my free time with myself. i want my happiness to be my own and not depend on someone else. i wanna be able to be with someone when I'm ready, when i know that I'm with them because i WANT to be but not because i think i NEED to be.

I know it won't exactly be easy but it will 100% be necessary and worth it. idk i just feel really positive right now and if anyone has actually read this whole thing, thank you for your time. I'm just so happy about this new goal and wanted to share it.