Hey everyone.

So this is our rainbow baby. We had 2 succesful pregnancies earlier, resulting in a now 7 year old boy and a 4 year old boy. We lost a little boy on October 20th 2016, at 15 weeks 3 days. His heart suddenly stopped. We never did any testing on him or myself, fearing a bill would come later when we were trying to heal. This time around, we did the gentic testing, a fair amount of chromosome issues can cause heart issues. This baby is low risk for them all. Next test will be for spina bifida, i believe we will be safe there too.

The thing is, i am so afraid this rainbow will not make it. This will be our first, only, and last little girl. We do not intend to have anymore children. If our last little boy would have survived, he would have been our last. I try to convince myself that he went that way, at thay time, to spare us some bigger heartbreak later, and to give us this little girl. But i can not get myself to relax tonight. I hear our little girl a couple times a day with the doppler. Just quick so i hear her heartbeat and know that at that moment, she is okay. Today i have felt more afraid. I have checked on her 4 times, afraid something has gone wrong. She is still fine and moving around.

I will be 14 weeks tomorrow. We finally told our parents and our 2 older boys we are expecting, just did that Thursday night, after the results came in. I have been pretty relaxed about this pregnancy, after i was able to pick her heartbeat up on the doppler around 9 weeks. But today every fear i have pushed away has came back with a vengeance. I am in tears. I try to calm myself down, i don't want to stress her out, but i don't know when this will go away. Will it pass after 16 weeks? 20, with the anatomy scan? 24? 30? 34? 38? When the baby is crying in my arms? Or will it never end?

I was afraid for my second son's development and health, i had HG and was unable to eat or drink anything from 5 weeks until i delivered him. I lost weight, and had to get IV's often. He came out healthy as a horse. But i don't remember the fear being like this. I know it is more than likely because i lost our 3rd son, and i never knew there was a problem until it was hours too late. Not like we could have done anything to save him, nor any doctor. But now I fear the same may happen to our little girl. I want to go back to being as excited as i was Thursday when i got the results, and Friday when hubby and i were talking about it all. I just don't know how long that will take. I want to go shopping for her, but i am still afraid something will go wrong. I want to share this news with everyone else, but i don't know if i should. I think maybe this came on so hard, because we just got the invitation to our angel's share burial happening on May 6th, back on saturday.

I keep trying to remind myself of the quote i saw online, and that i saved, but it hasn't sunk back in again. The quote is the picture below. I am going to set it as my background, and lock screen for my phone. Maybe if i see it enough, it will trigger back the good thoughts.

I am sorry this is so long. I just need to get this out really. If anyone has any experience with this kind of thing, is experiencing this, or just wants to give me some insight, helpful thoughts, or whatever, please feel free to comment. Thanks.