tell me I'm not the only one

I'm gonna preface this by saying I'm not proud of this and I feel terrible but no one can really control their fantasies, right? So basically I have a rape fantasy. And I hate it because I feel like it's insensitive to rape victims. But I was raped, by my boyfriend at the time. I wasn't ready and I told him that and he kept going, so why is this still a fantasy? Idk. I just hope I'm not alone on here. I've read that it's a very common fantasy in women so hopefully there's at least one other person who understands me on here. To victims and survivors, I don't mean to be insensitive or offensive and I'm sorry. I truly can't understand why I fantasize about this and I hate the idea of rape but I fantasize about being forced or coerced into sex and I don't know if I can control that.