Joanna • 35 Married, Kaiden 👼🏻 07-31-14, Kason 🌈 12-18-17, BFP 08-23-18 🤰🏻
Most of the posts in here seem to be about miscarriage, and I am so sorry for all of your losses.  A loss is a loss no matter when it happens.  I am going to share my story, I do this in the hopes that it helps someone else.  I have been scrolling this board for awhile looking for someone with a story similar to mine.  I am not saying my loss is more then anyone else's I am just hoping that my story helps someone else who perhaps has one similar.
After 2 years of trying and three cycles of clomid my husband and I had made the decision to start <a href="">IVF</a> treatment.  We had our consultation and we're ready to start once my next cycle came.  Well it never did.  I remember the evening after getting my positive test sitting on the couch and pinning on Pinterest to a secret board for our child, because we weren't telling anyone yet, and I just had this overwhelming sense of content.  I was finally going to have a child.  I was 31, almost 32, at the time and was far behind all my friends and sisters in the baby making department.  When I was 10 weeks we made the annoucment, everyone was so excited.  We had tried for so long and it was as if a sense of relief was felt by everyone that it had finally happened for us.  My pregnancy was "textbook", as the doctors would later say, no concerns for me or our child.  We had purchased everything, set up our dream nursery, had a fabulous baby shower when I was 36 weeks and chosen a name for our son. Kaiden Joseph, I was going to call him KJ for short.  My due date, July 22, 2014, came and went.  Everything was great, strong heartbeat, had a biophysical scan at 37 weeks that scored 8/8 so no concern if I was overdue.  My BP elevated the last two weeks so I went for NST's every second day and every time they were good.  The nurses would joke about how active Kaiden was, he was always moving and they would have to reposition monitors all the time.  One week after my due date I finally was scheduled to be induced, this was a Monday when I was at the Dr everything was great 155 heartbeat, movement and active.  My doctor scheduled my induction for Wednesday.  We were so excited! Finally after our struggle with unexplained infertility and watching everyone else get what we so badly wanted it was our turn! Wednesday comes and we are waiting for the call to go in and begin our induction, the morning passes and I realize I haven't felt Kaiden move, and when I really think about it the last time I remember I felt him move was Tuesday late morning.  I call the hospital and they say to come in and they will have a room for us once we get there.  We get to the hospital and the nurse begins to search, nothing.  So she asks another nurse to try, an older kind nurse who I will always remember comes in.  She begins to move the monitor all over my stomach, I am starting to panic now, my husband keeps saying "oh, there it is" but no that is just my heart being picked up.  The nurse stops looking and says they need an ultrasound, sometimes they are just hiding really well this late and the machine doesn't pick them up.  I am crying and she hugs me and says "I have been here before, let's not panic until we know" I knew then though, and the scared look on the ultrasound techs face said I had every reason to be.  At this point no one has said anything for sure, but we know although we are waiting for a Dr to confirm.  We sit in the hospital room gripping each other tightly, my huge belly just a constant reminder in front of me, and my Dr walks in "I am so sorry Joanna...." That is all she says and she hugs me she is crying and I am hysterical.  "Why? What happened?" I am screaming at her and she just says "we don't know, once you deliver we will know more".  "No, I want a c-section, I can't do that don't make me!!!" It is explained to me that a c-section is more risk for me then necessary and they won't do one since there is no danger to me or my now deceased child. And I am completely and utterly defeated and really at this point I am in shock and can't be concerned with what they want to do, so I agree. The older kind nurse from earlier kneels in front of us and takes our hands she says "I have been here, right where you are, 30 years ago. I just want you to remember, if nothing else, that it does get easier, not right away but it will.  You have a future" I will never forget that. My induction begins at 5:30ish pm July 30, 2014 and I labour for the next 13 hours.  I wanted to go with no epidural, but by midnight I was throwing up everywhere and in so much pain I took it.  They had to insert a balloon into my cervix and fill it with saline water to start my dilation, as well as inserting cervadil to make me soften and continue to dilate and also the drip.  Even though I was 10 days overdue my body still wasn't ready for labour so they forced it.    At 6:58 am July 31, 2014 Kaiden Joseph was born silently into the world.  I don't think I will ever hear silence like that again.  Literally not a was the most devastating moment of my life, even more then when they told me Kaiden had died, this was when I realized it was true.  Kaiden was dead, and we would later be told after all the tests that there was no cause found.  I held him and stroked his soft cheek and I cried and kissed his forehead.  He was perfect, he was a mini replica of his father, he was so beautiful. That was just over 7 months ago, and the nurse was right.  It has gotten easier but it still hurts, not the raw all consuming pain of the first 3 months but the pain is there always, I have accepted it always will be.  I have openly grieved Kaiden, which has made people in my life uncomfortable and they no longer come around or talk to me.  It took me 5 months to find some peace and acceptance with what happened.  I live in a rural community with no supports for stillbirth, but we committed to healing so we travel for counselling every 2 weeks.  We started counselling 2 weeks post loss and it has helped us.  It has saved us and helped us.  Prayer and meditation has been one of my saving graces as well.  Anger with God is normal, even if that isn't what you believe that is ok, I realized that all prayers are answered, just sometimes the answer is no.  I have found some amazing people and new friends that have carried me and supported me, they have allowed me to grieve on my terms and with no judgement of how or what I feel.  In Grief we have to allow ourselves to feel what we feel, there are no wrong ways to grieve everyone does it differently.  We have recently decided to start trying again, although we are terrified we so badly want to parent an earth child.  We parent Kaiden still, just in a different way then we thought.  I talk to him, honestly I was even angry at him for awhile, but I have realized that I can survive.  We have survived the unimaginable and continue to everyday.  I made the decision early on that I would live my life and I would do it joyfully and fully as I would had lived had Kaiden lived.  I live for Kaiden, I keep his memory alive, he lives through me.  I will always mourn him.  Grief is just love.  I will always love him and always speak his name, because he is real and always will be.