Wrong.

So wrong.

I found out that I currently have an ectopic pregnancy, with a mass on my right ovary (adnexal mass) that is 3 cm by 2 cm. Definitely life threatening, if it continues to grow. Surgery was not advised, because my doctor thinks that opening me up will almost guarantee it ruptures.

'It' meaning my tube... rupturing means I lose it, forever.

Honestly, I'm terrified.

I've been TTC off and on (mostly on) for 6 years, but have been really focusing on TTC for the last 18 months with no success. I have been pregnant before, however. I have had 2 miscarriages, but they have been very early. The first time I was pregnant, I miscarried at 11 weeks. No one knew I was pregnant. The second time I wasn't even sure, most likely a chemical pregnancy because I wasn't tracking my cycles then... but now, with a more educated mind, I know what a faint positive means and that I had one,

I tried to put those out of my head and focus on my journey with my fiancé as if this was my first pregnancy, even though in my head I used my previous losses as a mantra to relax. 'Third time's the charm!' 'The odds of losing another are really low!' Etc. Most of the time, it worked and I had vivid dreams of my little bean sticking.

However, 5 days after I confirmed my pregnancy with a blood test, I started spotting. It only stopped just over 48 hours ago, which means I bled lightly for 16 days straight. Black, dark brown, dark red, orange, it was awful.

The scariest ride I've ever been on, for sure. I went to the ER, saw my OB two days later and confirmed that I had low rising hcg. Bummer.

My fiancé and I cried and grieved, as we had 8 more days to wait for the ultrasound and we knew we were expecting bad news. I put up my walls and waited.

Now we've had the ultrasound, seen the mass, but I also have free floating fluid in my abdomen and I need treatment immediately. Since I decided to get the injection, I was told to avoid intercourse until the mass reaches a specific size and I can't try again for at least another 4 - 6 months.

While I understand... and I will comply because it is medically necessary, I am so disappointed. And so, so sad. I can't believe, with how low the odds of this really are, that this happened to me! My first pregnancy in over 5 years and it's tubal? It almost makes me want to laugh.

Anyway. I don't know what I was hoping for when sharing this, I just want to feel less blindsided. In my head, I was preparing for pregnancy or miscarriage, either/or. I naively forgot there was a third road. How do I mourn a healthy egg/fetus that simply ended up in the wrong place?

This blows chunks.