4 months

4 months and I still relive the nightmare every day in my head.

I can still feel the panic, remember the looked on my boyfriends face, the confusion on the nurses face as she tried to find a heartbeat.

"Remember it's tiny," she said in a reassuring tone.

14 weeks isn't tiny anymore? Why can't you find it?...

I stared at the ceiling shaking trying to hide my panic. They moved us to a different room for an ultrasound, "It's going to be okay," my boyfriend tried to be optimistic but I just knew... I felt it my heart..

"No.. no it won't be."

The doctor came in and looked at the ultrasound, she turned the screens towards us so we saw everything.. the sac was collapsing, the baby was only 9 or 10 weeks in measure.. there was no heartbeat.

She asked me if I wanted a picture because most places won't give you one, she printed out a whole strip of them which I was thankful for.

And we went home...

My boyfriend left me to go help his friends, and he didn't come home, he promised he'd be back in an hour...

By 2 am I had called him 7 times, I'd messaged him more than that, but I was alone.. I was bleeding, I was sobbing. I was alone..

I couldn't sleep that night. He came home drunk comforted me for a minute but I was so numb by that point his words didn't register and that's the only part of the day I can't remember.

He tried to have sex with me. But I was so angry at him for leaving me I didn't even want him to touch me or be next to me.

He passed out and I cried.

Nobody was there for me...

Our relationship hasn't been the same since..

It's been 4 months and this memory replays itself over and over and I can't escape it. I just want it to end.

I want to wake up and have my son in my belly again, I want to be preparing for his arrival, I want to be knitting a blanket for him and washing the little Sailor outfit I wanted to bring him home in .. I regret complaining about the fact that I would've been pregnant in the dead of summer..

But I'd give anything to have my summer baby back again... I'd take it all back to have my son...