unraveling
I'm unraveling and I'm only 7 weeks and some days pregnant. This pregnancy is unplanned and while I love my baby already, I don't think I'm built for this. Babies are blessings, I know that, but I keep asking myself what the hell did I do. I thought that my boyfriend and I would have time to continue to get to know each other. We've been together since August, but we haven't scraped the surface in knowing one another. I waited 7 months to sleep with him, and got pregnant right away. It's my fault. I'm an educated, professional adult who had unprotected sex with my boyfriend. How can I be surprised that I'm pregnant?
I've always been private about my relationships, so my parents only recently met him and then I found out two days later I was pregnant- surprise mom and dad!
He doesn't talk much and hasn't made an effort to engage in meaningful conversations with my parents or any other important people in my life, and that's important to me.
I love him, but I haven't had time to fall in love with him, and now, we have a baby coming, so it'll never really be about us. I took time away from us that should've been dedicated to us figuring out if we even wanted a future together. Actually, he's wanted a future with me since day one; me on the other hand? I needed time. I should've known better. And, I hate to say this, but now I feel trapped.
I've had depression and anxiety issues in my past, and I had to stop taking the medicine that was finally helping me when I found out I was pregnant. So, my depression is rearing its ugly head again, and I'm slowly unraveling.
It's because of a combination of things, not just the meds- it's because of my confusion and some regret (not my child, just the circumstances), the fact that my life has done a complete 180 (I was a very social carefree butterfly with a filled social life who would go out for drinks, dinner, or vacation whenever I wanted without having to be concerned about anyone but me- now, I'm asleep by 9:30 every night), feelings of loneliness, worrying about my child's father fitting in with my family, morning sickness, fatigue, and hormones, plus probably a lot more. Oh and don't forget the fear. And I'm not talking about the fear of fucking up my kid when (a)he gets here - I'm not there yet... My immediate fear is losing the baby. The next fear is the pain of childbirth. 😩😩😩
Sorry for the rant, but that's what this group is for, right? Is there anyone out there that's in a similar boat as me? Is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe 😢
I'm 35 year old, btw. I'm just clarifying bc I feel like I sound like a child. And now I'm rambling. Okay, hope to hear from some of y'all. ✌🏽
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