June 13th, 2017 - TMI/miscarriage

Today was my predicted due date for the pregnancy I lost in October.

 3 days after my first OB appointment I lost the baby. During the ultrasound the small little spec read at 5 weeks 6 days. I already felt something pulse through my body, that wasn't right. I should have been almost 9 weeks pregnant at the appointment. There was not a heartbeat. My OB told me that the baby was too early in the development to have a heartbeat and scheduled an appointment for 4 weeks later. A day passed and I had bright red spotting (I read that it was most likely from the pap she gave me) but then the second day passed and I got worried, I voiced my worry to my husband and he said the same thing that I read. And on the third day the bright red was still present. I couldn't wait any longer. I went in to my doctor, she did the ultrasound and confirmed my gut feeling. 

And it was during the 45 minute drive home from the doctors office that I began to miscarry (the ultrasound wand had sort of encouraged it to begin to pass). The worst feeling was when I got out of the car and a clot slid down my pant leg... in the garage. I ran to my bathroom and broke down on the floor. I took a shower, and then I immediately went to the garage and cleaned up the tissue, because I couldn't bare the thought of my husband coming home to finding it. After that I just went back and sat on the bathroom floor again and continued to pass more tissue. I had told my husband before I left the office about the miscarriage, as soon as he came home he joined me on the floor and held me. 

You see it was emotional for me because I had been told that previous December that it would be very difficult to get pregnant, I have PCOS. And would most likely need to be put on fertility medication. 

But now I know that it's possible, that God had given me this gift of knowing that I can create life, however that life was not meant to be. Not just yet. And I hold on to this, because I whole heartedly believe that everything is in his hands and we will get our child in due course. And I probably will need the medication, but I have accepted that and know that it will happen for us.