* possible trigger warning*

Once a parent realizes they done wrong they just pitty themselves and guilt trip you. I'm sorry I've feared so many times that I'd push you over the edge not realizing that I was slowly pushing myself off.

I'm sorry that our eyes are different

Because what I've seen and what you did are two different things. Yes my childhood had good memories but not as many bad. And I hate that I really do. I just want to remember the good but all i remember are the bad!!!

I don't want you to call yourself a monster because you've never scared me no i was never afraid of you Being in the house. I was afraid of you not being there.

I don't want you to call yourself a terrible person because you're not you've just made and will continue to make mistakes. You can't help it.

I don't want you to spam me with messages claiming that you love me. Because one word to many took that away.

I said I love you with hesitation three days ago Because i felt bad. But why should I feel bad?

I do love you. But i can not trust you. I don't feel close even when it seemed like we were.

Tell me. I know things about you that make my SKIN crawl.

You cry. You laugh. You crack a smile. In my eyes and in my heart I knew the only true emotion was maybe a cry.

I don't like fighting or arguing or yelling but thats how most of our days together we spent with each other.

When i said sometimes it feels like you don't love me when you say it. Is because "I love you" is more than just words. It's being there, listening.

I drew the line when I found out when my father grew suicidal when he was with you after he caught you cheating! You told him to do it. Fuck you.

You attempted suicide in 2014 and blamed it on my brother because you started something and he punched your car out of anger.

I attempted suicide in 2014, 2015,2016 and I thought you cared. Only showed up a few times. And not by yourself . With someone else. All I wanted was YOUR company. Even then I thought meh.

In 2015 my brother attempted suicide because he sexually abused me back when I was 4-10. You know how it happened that long? You weren't there. I'd understand if it was work. But it wasn't. You were out going on dates and fucking guys and going to fucking concerts..

And you never told be what was wrong or right but my brother claimed it. Because "everyone does this" ..."that's what sisters are for".. sickening. I still have flashbacks.

You know I at age 10 stood up and said it was not right and I want this to stop. He did. But he tried again when I was 11. Finally ended at 11.

Why am I so afraid of the dark? Not being monsters. Not because burglars or strangers or stalkers.

How can your own mother be so toxic.

Yes my mom's not abusive. She never hit me. But neglected me...lied to me..even at the age of 18 she still lies.

Maybe I'm just a joke. I'm so selfish because I actually have a mom and others don't. I SHOULD grow up. Right? Of course because I'm always wrong.

They say if you love someone let them go. So maybe i should.