Warning possible triggers. 

I cried. I screamed. I told everyone to get out. I was hysterical. I was like that until my husband came and picked me up off the floor and held me until we talked to the OB. Who I told to stop  in her explanation of everything several times because I was still uncontrollably sobbing. When she told me I could take a pill I thought to myself I could let the baby grow there. I would happily die if my baby could live. I couldn't ingest anything that would kill my baby. Then she felt my abdomen. And my vital signs dropped. And the OB realized it was already ruptured. And I had no choice. They would save my life before my baby's and off to surgery I went. Where I had to sign a death certificate for my baby. Where they had to sedate me prior to going into surgery because I wouldn't go. Where my OB held me in the bed because she knew this wasn't anything I was willing to do. And once in surgery I fought staying awake. They allowed me to pray before surgery. And I prayed my baby would be welcomed back into Gods arms where they belong. But most of all I prayed He would heal my broken heart. Everything after is a blur. I buried every feeling I had. We had the baby cremated. We were going to spread the ashes somewhere but my baby belongs with me. I don't know what to do.  I'm happy I'm pregnant again, but I feel more detached from this pregnancy. Because I don't know what to do with all that I feel when I imagine getting past six weeks. Or 1st trimester. Or 9 months. How do you move on when you have another baby? Where do you put the baby you lost?