11 weeks pregnant and depression is worse

I have had depression and anxiety for over 10 years and ive tried just about everything to get rid of it. My pregnancy was unplanned and I honestly never wanted to be a mother but I felt very pressured. I am now 11 weeks along and thinking horrible things, I have tried getting myself to call the hotline but for some reason I can't. I don't know what to do, I've been to the ER before for these thoughts in the past but they didn't do anything so I'd rather not go back. I am so severely mentally ill, my thoughts are getting worse and worse and I'm too scared to call the doctor. If I tell my family they will just take me to the ER again