Getting Discouraged...

We've just passed the six month mark for breastfeeding and I know I should feel proud of myself but I'm having an extremely hard time lately. When my LO was born, I had already been producing colostrum for a couple months. I was amazed at how quickly those few golden drops became an ounce of pure white milk. Then two ounces. Then four. By the end of my first month i could reliably get 8-10 ounces per pumping session with my Freemie pump. I loved it.

It was easier then. I would nurse her for ten minutes or so, then lay her in her crib and pump for thirty minutes. I'd pump two or three tines a day this way. She slept so much I actually had to wake her for feedings - causing no end of stress, of course. Everyone said to be grateful she slept so well. Not to worry. Keep pumping and feed her when she's hungry. She was a little under weight at her first pediatrician appointment but she caught up and then surpassed pretty quickly. I just had a snacker baby.

I produced so well I tried to donate my surplus milk. But the presence of smokers in my life (My dad and grandpa, though never in our house or around the baby or me) disqualified me. I can understand that of course, babies need the best we can provide them with. But the end result was that I stopped pumping as often. Actually in the second month I don't think I pumped more than twice. But I was never away from the baby for more than two hours and I was told that her demand would keep my supply no lower than she needed it, so why bother making extra when I already had a freezer full?

My first mistake? Letting sleep deprivation get to me. My husband, seeing me so tired and wanting to help, took the baby to my mother's to let me rest. I slept over twelve hours. Without pumping. I saw the difference the next time I pumped, but I wasn't too worried. I was still producing several ounces. I brought it back up to 6-8 ounces within a week. Then it happened again. And next time I pumped I got 4 ounces. Brought it up to 4-6 ounces most pumping sessions, but by now I was only pumping once a day.

That beautiful box of pumped milk in the freezer was dwindling. Sundays we'd leave the baby with my mom to go to church. I'd excuse myself to pump after the homily and get 4 ounces with the hand pumps, and when I got home, my mother would tell me she'd given 8 ounces while we were gone. Or six with two left, and why waste it? I'd pump another couple ounces maybe while she ate. We bought a can of Enfamil. Just in case we run out of pumped milk. But i was determined not to need it. And I kept that up pretty well for a month or two.

But I started having problems with my mechanical pump. I was barely getting an ounce a session. Total. I couldn't tell if it was the flange size or a problem with the valves or the tubes, or if the pump itself was losing suction. So i used the hand pumps. But they made my hands ache, so I tended to only use them when I was away from the baby or when riding shotgun on long car trips with the baby to visit the in-laws. Three ounces total. Two ounces. One ounce. Drops.

Meanwhile, the baby was still gaining weight on track. Everyone said she's more effective at getting my milk than any pump. Not to worry. She's not starving. I was told to nurse both sides every feeding, so I'd switch her after five minutes. But then her ten minute feedings every two hours turned to five minutes every hour. Sometimes she'd go longer, 15 or 20 minutes, rarely 30 minutes. Most often though, it would be shorter. "No worries, sometimes babies are just a little thirsty, when she's hungry she'll eat. You can't *force* her to eat more." I saw a new obgyn for my 6 week checkup because i hated my old one, and when i said i wanted to pump more she asked why? I didn't need more than a day or two on standby in case of emergencies right? Surely i made enough to feed her for the two hours i was away for church, right? I recently switched back to nursing one side a feeding. That seemed to help with the pumping at first, but I'm back to 1-2 ounces after 30 minutes of pumping, and her feedings are often 4-5 minutes if I'm lucky.

We started her on solids at four months, mostly because everyone around us kept pushing us to. "She seems ready. We started you on solids that early and you're fine. She'll sleep better." Never mind that she already slept so well at night I actually worried she slept too much. Never mind the pediatricians all say to wait if you want to breast feed longer than a year. She really liked most of the things we gave her, but I rarely gave solids every day, since her main source of nutrition was still breast milk. But her feedings kept getting shorter. More frequent. She would sleep 6-8 hours a night, wake for a feeding and a change, and sleep another 2-4 hours. The rest of the day, she would want a feeding every. Single. Hour. Maybe an hour and a half if she felt like a nap. I can't get her to nap at home, only at my mother's (and half the time mom's the only one who can get her to sleep during the day at all).

So. Every hour a four minute feeding. And she's hit that distractable age where she has to look at everything, so that four minutes of active suckling stretches over ten minutes. I don't have time when she is awake to pump. And when she is asleep I am too exhausted to drag out the pump. I feel like a horrible housekeeper because it's all i can do to stay on top of the laundry and the diapers, and though my mother frequently offers to help me clean and baby - proof the house she has only made good on it once since the birth even though she lives across the street and neither of us works right now. I'm practically her on - call chauffeur and i help as much as i can at her home because there are more hands to help with the baby while i do but i never get the help I need in my home. Well no, my husband helps, but there's a limit to how much he can do because of his work schedule,

And now everyone says "you've breastfed longer than i did with ANY of you kids" "you've gone longer than anyone i know" "just switch to formula" And it feels like what support i had before is slipping away. I wanted to go a full year for the health benefits (for her and myself. I lost over 25lbs over my pregnancy and the first month but gained it all back because who has time to cook when you're nursing every hour? Yay stress - eating junk food). Formula is expensive. I am not ready to quit. But i am so stressed out over the milk and the house, which is only making it all that much worse. Everyone has noticed (how can they not? I'm in tears almost every day). They're all worried about me. I'm worried about me. I'm yelling at my husband over things that aren't his fault. I've tried power pumping. I've tried drinking dark beer. I've tried not to stress (yeah right). I have two 16oz water bottles full of water and i rotate them in the fridge so I'm always drinking water. I don't know what else i can try. At this point I'd sleep in a room full of spiders if someone said it would improve my supply. I think i might have to switch to formula. I really really really don't want to. I need just one person to tell me i can do this. I need tips on what to change, what to try. Please somebody help me. Please.