After seeing a RE, my husband and I were told that there would be a slim chance that we would conceive without the help from an <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> or <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. I also needed to go for a laproscopy to remove scar tissue from a previous c section. We scheduled in December but had to cancel when I got my first faint positive. The faint positives lasted over a week and the nurse at my doctors office even got one but one morning I woke up and the line was gone. Completely heartbroken, I called my doctor and they had me come in for a blood test. The next day when my doctor called me personally I knew it was going to be news that I didn't want to hear and I was right when he told me that my HCG level was now a 2. Though we both knew what that meant, he wanted me to come back in 2 days to retest. I knew there was no point but followed doctors orders. Those results came back at 0. That night I started to bleed with the worst cramping I have ever experienced. Completely heart broken and ready to give up completely, my husband said it gave him hope. I had my surgery in January and at our post op appt my husband suggested we give it 3 months on our own before deciding to do an <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> or <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. As anxious as I was to start the process, I agreed. The doctor seemed a little less thrilled but said ok and that they will help me track my ovulation with ultrasound and start me on progesterone after ovulation to try to prevent another miscarriage. I went for and US on CD 12 and told not ready. Then again on CD 14 and 15 and I was about to give up that cycle but on CD 16 they told me I had 4 follicles and 2 were mature. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. I wasn't sure I could handle another month of the TWW only to not get pregnant. That night when I ovulated, it was weird for me because I always feel it from the right side but this time I felt cramping from the left. A few hours late I felt cramping from the right but just ignored it. Two days later I started my progesterone. I promised myself that unlike the previous months I wasn't going to test until my missed period. 11DPO was St. Patrick's Day and as I was prepping to cook the corned beef and cabbage I got very nauseous and dizzy. I ran to bathroom and got sick and decided to lay down. I woke up 4 hours later, which a nap is something I never do. At that moment I decided to test and sure enough I got my BFP! 

I called my dr and was told to come in on Monday for blood so I spent the entire weekend throwing up and testing making sure that line didn't go anywhere. Well it didn't and here we are today. 20w2d with my boy/girl twins. All of our wishes came true but why is it so freaking hard? 

We found out that it was twins at 6w in the ER when I had to go in to rule out eptopic. From the very moment of conception I have been extremely sick. Sick to the point of dehydration and bleeding which resulted in many hospital visits. I was prescribed diclegis which is a big help but of course my insurance doesn't cover it and it's $450 a bottle. Luckily my nurse sneaks plenty of samples in my bag during my visits. Then we have the constant doctors appointments. I don't know about everyone else but for the first trimester I had to go in every week to make sure that both babies were viable. It was amazing seeing the babies grow week by week but also physically and emotionally exhausting. Especially because every visit they drilled in our heads the risks of twin pregnancy. It almost made us feel like it wasn't even real and wasn't going to happen. Now that I'm in my second trimester the visits are every 3 weeks with the perinatal and every 4 weeks with the OB and I'm sure that there will be more visits the further along. Not only is there the constant nausea and fatigue but the second trimester brought on constant migraines and nose bleeds and of course, you can't take anything that might actually work to get rid of your headache.  I have been put on bed rest 3 times already and the doctor told us that I'll be put back on starting between 27-30 weeks until delivery. I seriously send praise to those who have younger children at home (my son is 11 so it's a big help) and/or work. I don't know how you do it. I'm now at the stage where I can not get comfortable enough to sleep and when I do, I need to pee again, and again, and again. Last night I got 4 hours of sleep because of this. Everything I wear, including maternity clothes feel so restricting and if I sit or a lay a certain way I can't breathe. I love to watch my heart rate jump to 114 on my activity watch just because I sat down. I know I have so much to do but I have no energy to do it. Oh and I'm breaking out like a 13 year old. Where is that boost of energy and glow you are supposed to get in your Second trimester? Mine is late lol. And on top of all that there is the tons of restrictions my doctor put me on. I always said that my pregnancy with my son was amazing. What the hell is this nonsense? My husband and I often joke and say these twins better cure cancer lol. 

So now that we got the physical struggles out of the way let's jump to the mental and emotional. Unlike some women who have been having mood swings, I am not. But what really gets me is... (excuse my language) how effin stupid could people be? We announced that we were having twins at 14 weeks at our "gender reveal." We flew in to NYC to do it with our families and close friends but thanks to Facebook live we were able to share it with everyone and by the time we were done I had not 1, not 2, but 3 messages from people asking if we did <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. First of all, we didn't but what even gives you the right to ask? Obviously if you were someone that close to us, you would have been invited that day. And even if we did, would that change anything? No! No matter how you got your twins... you have two beautiful blessings and that's all that should matter. Then you have which is my favorite and my husband and I call .... "the rare tropical disease." Everyone loves a pregnant woman but once you tell them it's twins, everything changes. You get comments like "yikes", "good luck" "omg do you know how hard it's going to be?" and "oh wow I'm sorry. " No I don't know how hard it's going to be and unless you have twins, neither do you, and what are you sorry about? Though hard at some times this is a freaking blessing. Last we have the know it alls. All of a sudden, everyone you know becomes an expert in twins. They want to tell you what you should do during pregnancy, how you should deliver them, how you should feed them, how they should sleep, should you use one crib or two, one room or two, everyone knows everything but non of them have twins!!! That being said, I know 4 people with twins and I am constantly asking them questions. If I meet anyone with twins we ask questions. I am very open to advice from twin parents. I'm new to this. Anyone who has even gotten past 20 weeks right now is a pro to me. And then of course every pregnant woman or woman who has been pregnant knows exactly how you feel. Ummmm sorry, sit down. No you don't! Im not saying some people don't have a hard pregnancy but how could even compare the pregnancy of a singleton to a twin pregnancy? I too was pregnant with and singleton and had it easier than some but seriously? You think carrying one baby is soooo hard? Yea well, I have two! I'm sorry if your nauseous, I'm sorry that you are tired and I'm sorry if you feel huge... unless you have been in my shoes, or the shoes of other twin mamas, you really don't have a clue so stop trying to compare. 

Now with that all being said... I held in the tears during my anatomy scan yesterday watching our precious Liliana and Alexander move. My husband held my hand the entire time the doctor was telling us that everything looks good and the babies are growing and developing on schedule. I came home with every intention of doing some work on their nursery but of course I ate lunch and lost all energy. I'll get to it lol. Our older son is in NYC visiting family but he called several times yesterday excited to see pictures and hear about his rapidly growing siblings. It completely melted my heart. Though this so far as been the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I'm sure will only get harder from here, I wouldn't trade it in for anything in the world. I can't wait for our real life thing 1 and thing 2 to be here, happy and healthy to turn this amazing family of 3 in to a complete family of 5.