So I was told that writing about pain and loss is the first step to healing. So here goes. On Monday July 17 2017 at 12pm I started bleeding. I went to emerge and told the Drs that I was 12 weeks pregnant and that I was bleeding. A few hours later I was giving blood work a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. I was told by Drs that there was no heart beat and my HCG levels had dropped from 19000 to 12000. But not to give up hope. To come back for an ultrasound the next day to see what could be done. So I went home assuming the worst but hoping for the best. The next morning I went for an ultrasound no heartbeat. Turns out baby had died at 9 weeks. So why was i told not to give up hope. according to this dr HCG levels never drop and i should have been told this the previous night. Anyway I went home after drs advised me that i would be contacted by someone to schedule a procedure to evacuate the fetus. And that was it. No one not one person prepared me for what happened next.

On Tuesday night at roughly 11pm I started having the worst cramps of my entire life. I couldn't walk I couldn't breath I couldn't do anything but scream and cry in agony. I spent 6 hours on the toilet expelling my baby. Worst night of my life. That wednesday I went to the dr to discuss options and mentioned that I felt I had passed everything so after another pelvic exam they said u look great everything looks like it's back to normal. Well guess what not exactly. Last night at 8pm I spent another 2 hours in the toilet in the bath and shower. Once again cramps and bleeding and clumps of "stuff" just pouring out of me. It's slowly starting to settle down with the help of pain meds I was given yesterday. But Denied by emerge Drs the first two days I was in there. Now on day four my physical pain is down from extreme agony to extreme period like cramps. And the emotional pain feels like its just starting. My boyfriend has been quiet through it all but by my side the whole time. I wouldnt have gotten through this without him and my sister and my closest friend. However it would have been nice to have been able to get through this faster by being offered options on day one It would been nice not to be given false hope on day one. It would have been nice for someone anyone to tell me what to expect. Drs are ok at the medical part. And the nurses are great but not one person sat down with me to explain what would happen to my body. I was very unprepared.

I am posting this to help myself but also as an awareness to others on what they can expect. And maybe get faster treatment by knowing there are other options right away.

I am on the path to healing but something so emotionally and physically wrenching should not be a week long process. Especially after finding out u have been carrying a dead baby around for 3 weeks talking to it and making plans and developing a deeper bond with ur new baby. I can't imagine anything worse.

I hope this helps at least one person. And thank you for reading and sharing in my experience. We are hopeful for the future and are planning on baby/babies in the near future but I will say one thing. If this happens again I will not go through it this way.

Thank you.