I'm so torn....

About 4 years ago, after going through a divorce, I met the man I truly believed to be my soulmate. I was 28 years old at the time. This relationship was one of those once and a lifetime things that is completely impossible to put into words. He and I we completely crazy about each other, but there were 2 big problems; 1) He already had 2 kids from a previous relationship and wasn't interested in having more and I thought wanted to have a baby someday. He also wasn't big on the idea of marriage. 2) His family was unwilling to accept me. They were a close knit farming family, suspicious of "outsiders". I guess they assumed because I was kind of quiet and shy (and college educated) that I thought I was better than them. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. I wanted nothing more than to be accepted and let them get to know me as a person. Unfortunately, this never happened. The family started getting into our personal lives, trying to drive a wedge between us and push me out. It caused me so much stress it actually affected my health. I was so torn because I loved him and his 2 boys more than anything in the world, but the stress of the situation and environment was physically affecting my health. It completely broke my heart but I knew I had to get out of that environment. So I did. I moved out on my own and the relationship ended. 💔

I was completely heartbroken but I knew I needed to heal and move on with my life. I was worried about getting older and that "window" of time to find my future husband and start a family was closing. I started to get to know a guy that I worked with. He seemed wonderful. He had a small family that accepted me. He and I had a great time getting to know each other. We seemed to want the same things, a house, kids, marriage. About 3 months later, we were engaged and house hunting. We've been together just over 2 years and married for about 9 months now. We live in a great house in a nice neighborhood. Earlier this year we decided to try for a family and ended up having 2 miscarriages, one in March and one in May. During that time, he wasn't there for me the way I thought he would have been. Our relationship is so different now than it was when we got engaged. I find that I don't really like who he is sometimes. Our personalities just seem so incompatible. We don't seem to connect on any deep meaningful level.

Now I'm 33 and second guessing everything, I am very unhappy. I feel like I may have made a huge mistake rushing into the life I thought I wanted without giving myself the time I needed to heal and to really get to know my now husband. I'm not really attracted to him anymore, there's NO chemistry, our sex life is nonexistent, and he is not the person I thought he was when we got engaged.

He IS good to me and tries to be a great husband. I feel like I'm crazy for feeling unhappy. I appreciate him for everything he does, but there are times he'll do or say something that I'm not sure I can live with. We just don't "click" or connect in any meaningful way.

When my mind wanders, it always leads me to thoughts of the man I loved (and still love) before I met my now husband. Nothing compares to what we had. I know I shouldn't compare, but once you've experienced that kind of love, it never leaves you. I know due to the circumstances with his family we can never be together, but I can't stop feeling as though I have missed my chance.

In my 20s, I thought I had wanted children, marriage, and the perfect house more than anything. Now, I'm not sure children are even an option for me. I feel alone in my marriage and in our perfect house. All I crave is that love I once knew.

Here's my dilemma; do I focus all of my time, energy, and emotions on trying to find happiness with my husband in this new life that I've built? Or do I take a chance, break this life apart (unintentionally hurting my husband in the process), and risk losing everything (chance of children, perfect house/life, companionship) in hopes of maybe finding that once in a lifetime love again?