Positive Vibes

My fiancé and I have been trying to conceive for a year and a half now. I've been taking metformin and prenatal now for 3 months. He has CML (Leukemia) and takes Sprycel every day. I have researched almost everything possible. And I'm getting conflicted on whether he can or can't. I have two kids. I do have a touch of PCOD. And got pregnant twice without help of anything. He desperately wants children. Since my boys father is no longer around he has assumed for position and doing amazing at being a father. My now 2 year old is overly attached and he hopes to soon be able to adopt him. We have actively been trying to get pregnant. I for the last 3 months have been feeing like I'm pregnant. I have extreme weight gain in my stomach area. My hips are getting wider. I can smell EVERYTHING near me. I get sick every morning and at least 2-3 times a day. My back is killing me. I have stomach pains. My skin is so sensitive that I can barely touch it. I can laugh cry and be angry in two seconds. I wake up thinking about food. And have a constant hunger. Foods I love. Don't taste good anymore. And the only thing I can find to release all my pains is sitting in the bath. Which I do often. So much that I bought a inflatable hot tub to put in my room at a mild temp. But on schedule my period comes. It only lasts a few days. So concerned I went to the doctor. Explained I feel pregnant. I have every sign and symptom of being pregnant. But negative tests weekly and 3 blood tests later nothing. Even did an ultrasound. I track my periods very regularly. I even track everything outside of my period windows. I do ovulation tests. All show strong ovulation.

Now all this and no baby. I feel like I'm having a phantom pregnancy but my doctor doesn't feel that way because I have a very regular period that is always on point. And because I'm ovulating. But nothing explains why. She said it could be psychological because I want to be pregnant. I'm tricking my body and mind into being pregnant. But I'm not. I'm baffled as to what's going on. I do desperately want to have a baby. We are financially secure and can provide for a child. And in a house of boys it would be nice to have a baby girl.

He does not want to adopt. As he wants his own child. Something that came from him. I can understand that. And have even brought up my baby and him wanting to adopt him. He always tells me it's different with him. He feels like it. Because he has been there since the start. I have asked his doctor but they aren't very attentive as they are a large hospital full of cancer patients needing to be seen. He on the fly said yea and enjoy the process. On him we have cut back on hot showers. What he consumes and what he puts out. We haven't checked his sperm right now. But hoping that it's ok and we are just stressing ourselves out by overthinking to much.

As sit here and write this long topic. I'm balling. Because again I'm sitting here in my hot tub in the worst pain of my life. 2 days till my period starts and I wanna believe there is a reason. I want to believe my body is doing all this to prepare for a baby. Not give us false hope. I'm looking for positive vibes and hoping maybe somewhere. Someone knows what I'm going threw. Or is in the same place. Or did conceive with our issues. We are slowly losing hope with each period. And slowly losing patience. And it breaks my heart so much that he gets so excited when I puke. Or this sign and that sign. He has high hopes. And I'm starting to question if it's positive. Help me bring me up to continue this journey. I've never in my life wanted something so much.