Okay, my husband and I were TTC, when my mother passed away very dramatically & suddenly. Ironically, not even a month later, we got BFP. It was a huge bittersweet moment in my life, I knew how much she wanted to be a grandmother (specifically she would talk NON STOP about her "future granddaughter"), but now I would have to face being a mother without having the guidance of my own mother through my first pregnancy. At the time, I was elated to be pregnant and I was happy to know my mothers memory would be passed on to the next generation.
Until, at our 18 week ultrasound, the technician told us we were having a boy, and my heart sunk. I honestly didn't believe her (it was kind of soon to be SURE), so I opted for genetic testing, and a week later it came back 100% positive a boy. Ever since that day, I have lost all interest in the pregnancy. And I feel as though I am in mourning again, almost like I am mourning the life I always wanted that will never exist. I never realized that I wanted a girl over a boy, this extremely. But, when I think about it, all I have ever thought of was pregnancy would assumed to be a girl. I grew up in a female dominated family, and I love it. I don't care for boys or boy-ish things, I find them annoying or boring. I see baby boys out in public and I just jump to "ew" in my head, but when I see a baby girl, it's "how precious!" The feeling hasn't subsided, only amplified, and it's difficult to pretend to be happy and joyous about the situation when all I want to do is cry. I have spoken to a close friend about how I feel, and she tries to make me feel better but talking positive about her son and the pro's of having a boy, but it's like I'm not even interested in what she says because she has no idea how much I want a girl instead. I have tried to "motivate" myself by trying to get excited for a boy by buying something boyish that I like for it, but I go to the store, wander the boy section for a while, until I end up just crying and have to leave. I know my husband notices my anguish, and tries to joke to make me feel better, but I don't think he realizes how much this effects me. It's been almost 10 weeks since our appointment and I have even considered after the birth of the child, running away (I know, it's childish but I feel really trapped in a life that I don't want, but I only stay because I love my husband). I'm not happy or excited about this situation and I haven't even told friend or more distant relatives I'm pregnant because I'm ashamed. I have even called off the baby shower because the thought of having to fake being happy in a room for a few hours give me anxiety. The nursery is no where near done and I have no desire to do anything for it. My friend has said, "as soon as you see him, you'll fall in love", but that's just it, I know I won't. Seeing "him" makes all of this worry and upset real, and I lay in bed at night and have panic attacks just thinking about having to have a boy.
Like I said, I understand numerous women beg and stress over getting pregnant for either a boy or a girl (friend and family included), and that I should be thankful for any child, but I'm not, which makes me feel even more terrible. I recognize the fact that saying these things makes me sound like a monster, but I am desperate for hope or suggestions to accept this life. I don't WANT to be this way, but it's almost instinct and I can't change. I want to be a good mother, but often times, I wish I wasn't even pregnant.
Has anyone ever felt this way? What did you do for help?