Trigger warning

I wish someone around me could understand what it's like to have an eating disorder. Not "oh yeah I starved myself for 2 days in highschool"

It's about to get dark here.

No. Anorexia nervosa. My personal demon.

It's so painful to look at old pictures of myself when I weighed wayyyy less.

I look at those pictures and hate myself.

I'm in a constant war with celebrating my body, and wanting to destroy it.

I've had moments of where I almost relapse and then I stop.

I fought it for so long, got so much help.

Imagine an eating disorder as a person. Lying to you, bullying you. She is a different person that lives within you. And she's a sadistic bitch. An alternate version of you. For lack of better words,

I murdered her and buried her deep in my head with the help of well, mental help.

So now when I try to relapse, I can't.

I would call my psychologist my mind doctor. She did a good job. A damn. Good. Job.

Because today, i started a journal.

A journal to write hate to myself so I can read it over and over again, to count calories and be obsessed. It was a start to a relapse.

I pulled out the pen. And all I could write is "I'm so sorry"

To myself. That's all that would come out. I couldn't do it.

I'm sorry to myself because I even thought about putting myself through that hell again.

So this is my way of saying to you, if you're struggling with this. Get mental health help.

Because it helped me in ways that I don't even fully understand and even if it seems impossible it's not. Even after I was considered recovered i still saw my psychologist for years.

Im not posting for pitty, but to show others that being better one day is possible. Much love to whoever deals with this, or whatever mental illness you have. You're not stupid because you need mental health help. You're not less than anyone else because of it. In fact, even trying to get help shows strength.

I'm sorry if you do not understand this at all, im hoping It will reach someone who will.