Cheating

So last Sunday I was cheated on by my boyfriend (he and I were 17 and together for 4 years) and he cheated on me with my 15 year old friend at a party, and he was telling me not to go and stuff. He lied to me through out the night saying he wasn't doing things with her, and the next morning he told me he did after having an argument. I feel really used and unlovable after this happened, and he told me I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship, he was just losing interest (his exact words)

So the thing is, him and my friend have been talking all summer behind my back, they would sneak out and smoke together. And he started to fall in love her her over me. I was always very good with our relationship, and asking what things can we do to make our relationship better. He would tell me all the time "you'll never be replaced" and he loved me.

So the day before the party we had sex, and it was pretty good. And he was just all over me and we had a good time. Then I went home and was getting ready for the party and he just changed night an day after I left. Then he cheated when I wasn't around.

My sex drive has gone down so much, I haven't masturbated without having panic attacks about past stuff, nothing is a turn on for me anymore, and I feel hopeless.

We were pretty sexually active as well, and were pretty good with each other. We had our little couple fights every once and a while like everyone else does. We always got each other stuff, and I made him paintings for his room, and handmade cards and stuff. And like I always tried to be really good to him.

But he just used me for my happiness, my love, the sex. And just threw me away after talking to my friend who just tuned 15 and he's 17 turning 18... and people told me to work it out with him and give him time and talk, and when I did talk to him he put me down and told me my friend was better than me, and she was this and that, when all she does is smoke weed, is a dealer, texts like many other guys and sends nudes(and I've known her for so long and I'm not making this up)

They asked me to be in a 3some and my fiend would always talk about fucking my ex, and how he's so hot. I honestly cant even date another guy or talk to another guy in a flirty way without feeling like a hoe when I'm not even.

My ex was my first bf, I lost my verginity to him, had my first kiss to him. Like he was my first time everything. And he really took advantage of me sometimes, and I'm honestly crushed by the whole situation.

Like I said earlier in my post, I'm losing my sex dive, and not wanting to talk and find other guys. I need some advice and help. I've honestly became a different person after this all, because he was my first for a lot of things, and I let him go already. I'm just more worried if I'm going to shut having a love life out of my life. Because how I was treated and what happened makes me scared to put myself out there for another guy. And like I know I'll find another guy along the road, but I'm scared to trust guys (that aren't like super close friends if mine that I consider brothers)

And when I did break up with him and became single , I was being asked for nudes or sex from a few guys, and I feel really dirty about myself. And I say no and don't send them stuff, cause my body is not to be shown to horny boys.

So just prayers that I do loosen up, and don't feel scared and don't have trust in guys, but still guard my heart and body, but not shut things out❤️