Finding ourselves

My girlfriend and I recently broke up. We were together for a year and a half, and we had our issues like any relationship, but we loved each other very much. We still do. Towards the end of the school year we started having more problems because there were a lot of stressful things happening, and we were both seniors in college and about to graduate and tensions were just high.

After graduation things were going really well for us. I left on a family vacation to London and spent a couple weeks on a cruise, and this is where I ask you to bear with me, because I did something I'm really not proud of and will never do again.

I essentially emotionally cheated on her. I met this other girl and we felt attracted to each other and we ended up getting really close, to the point where it started feeling romantic and I immediately felt like it wasn't right. We never did anything except when the two of us and our other two gay friends we'd met on the boat all got drunk and kissed each other for shits and giggles. It was stupid.

Anyway, I knew as soon as I got back I'd have to tell my girl, and I did-- because I knew I made a mistake and lying doesn't fix anything and I just wanted to come clean. I told her the night I got back and I absolutely broke her heart. I was in such a weird headspace then, I was so confused and not sure if I was in love with her and all this crap, and we ended up breaking up. She told me she'd had brief thoughts about us ending before too, but nothing super serious. It ended up feeling kind of mutual.

Fast forward a couple weeks and I've gone out way too much and drank way more than is healthy and slept around with a few people because that's kind of how I am when I'm single-- I just fuck around. But this time it felt like more of a distraction tool, and ultimately in hindsight all that partying was just to mask a lot of pain I was feeling.

I regret everything I've done. I went back to her just completely broken and told her everything and genuinely felt like I'd taken her for granted, not realizing how precious she really was to me until I fucked up and lost her. It's stupid, I know, and some of you might think I'm a complete asshole, but I promise I just made a mistake. I really do love her, and I've decided that I want to really try hard to make us work again.

We both moved to LA and are living half an hour away from each other and at first she was saying no, we're broken up and all this, but then soon after she contacted me again saying she felt very confused and didn't know what she wanted. We're both very much still in love with each other.

Now it's come down to the fact that she has a lot of growing to do, and I probably do as well. But we've been completely transparent with one another about everything we're thinking and feeling, and she doesn't think we're completely doomed. She's having a hard time letting go of some slight feelings of resentment towards me because of the people I slept with so soon after we ended things, but she thinks that'll go away with time. She's forgiven me for what I did on vacation, because I've assured her it really meant nothing and I just fucked up and got distracted by a shiny new person. It's all so stupid and I regret all of it.

We've seen each other a few times since moving to LA and each time we just lapsed into how things used to be; it just felt so natural. But yesterday she was acting off, and I asked her what was wrong and we ended up talking on the phone. She told me she needs time to heal and better herself on her own, and she doesn't feel like she can just jump back into things and have it be okay. She needs to work on her own insecurities and be better to herself so we can maybe eventually have a good healthy relationship again, but she says she can't make any promises. This scares the shit out of me.

I feel completely broken even though I understand and respect everything she's saying, and I want her to be better to herself too. I want us to eventually have a good relationship again, but I'm so scared. It physically hurts to wait for her even though I truly don't want to see or fuck anyone else right now, and she's so inexplicably worth it to me. I'm just in so much pain, and I don't know how to wait like this.

Has anyone else gone through or is going through something like this? It's comforting to know I'm not alone. And please, no hate on the whole cheating thing-- I know fully well that I did a horrible thing and I will never do it again. I just need help, because I'm sad, and I'm so scared of losing her because I don't think I could live with myself and I love her so much.

Thanks for reading my story, and I hope you all have a beautiful day. ❤️