My husband and I have always had issues surrounding sex (or lack of) until about 2 years ago when my marriage was falling apart because I had zero continuous sex drive.

I did some serious soul searching and decided to change this.

I made love to my husband almost every day, whether i felt like it or not, and eventually, my libido skyrocketed. My libido stuck too.

Ever since, him and I are having sex anywhere from 4 to 10 times a week (we have 3 kids, so some weeks work out better than others).

I also lost 80 pounds over the past yr and a half. I feel amazing and sexy again! My husband makes me feel so sexy too and makes sure to stroke my ego almost everyday! I haven't been this size since before I had my oldest child!!

Cut to the point, i get SUPER JEALOUS whenever I catch signs of him jerking off. I get jealous of him watching porn or looking at magazines. I loose my shit when I find out he jerked off then didn't want to have sex with me that night. Or when it's been 2-3 days without sex, then find out he was jerking off during one or more of those days.

I have to be clear, he's not doing it ALL THE TIME or even every week (that I'm aware of..) and it's not like he doesn't make effort in bed either or that he prefers that over me. We have a super frequent sex life, adventurous and trying new things and different intensities and toys every week. To be honest, we have the sex life that most couples only dream of.... and I'm aware of that.

There's really no reason for

Me to feel how I feel. I'm aware of that. I'm aware that he prefers me to that any day, and I'm aware that sometimes a man just needs to get off alone.

I'm also a HUGE hypocrite because I get myself off to porn several times a week (he will never know how many times I do it every week)! I'm telling you, my sex drive is off the chain!

I feel guilty BECAUSE I do it all the time but I can't stand it when I find out he does it.

I have ZERO worries of him ever cheating me. He has always been faithful with everything in him.

I need to mention that I am also diagnosed with severe general Anxiety, social anxiety and depression.

I'm aware that my anxiety causes me to seek validation from him all the time. I am in need of affection to feel bonded to him. I'm not "clingy", but i AM insecure in the way that when I notice he hasn't been affectionate with me in a few days other than when we have sex, I start overthinking reasons why even if there literally aren't any reasons (another gift from anxiety).

How can I just STOP looking for clues of him jerking off and just leave him be and keep my mouth SHUT if I happen to find evidence and just let him be. As long as we are still regularly having sex and connecting, I shouldn't have any issues.

I've given myself this talks so many times before, but STILL, it's like a nasty chip on my shoulder than I cant brush off. I need to knock it off!

But I don't know how to stop the blood boiling when I find out he's done it.

I feel like such an asshole 😪