I never understood why you, my mother, hated me.

How, when I was less than four years old, you felt the need to abandon me with a drug addict that would sell me to his friends for drugs from four till eleven years old. I told myself you must not have known how he was.

I didn't know why everything I did was wrong to you, but it was. I recall scrubbing the toilet but missing washing the soap scum away, and you checking it. Then bashing my head into the tub and telling me you wanted to kill me. I was a failure, I told myself.

I don't know why I was fat when I was the same size you were at my age. But you refusing to let me eat and locking the pantry for days, meant that I was obese and you were perfect, at every point of your life.

I have a hard time understanding how you thought if I didn't get all A's I deserved to be threatened to be sent back to my rapists.

I had no idea folding a sock wrong could make you slit your wrist. That I would be cleaning the blood all over the floor long after the ambulance left with you.

After all, it was my fault.

I didn't know how everything I made would go to you, because I owed you. Six hundred and fifty dollars every two weeks seemed very steep for me only having one room, (that was a walk through, I wasn't allowed to close my door). And I'd still having to buy my personal products and food. Bringing home $700 definitely made that a challenge.

When I moved out you tried to drag me back home because you didn't believe anyone could actually love me. That he must be abusing me because I distanced myself from you. That *you* needed to protect me from *him*.

When I announced my pregnancy you offered to push me down the stairs regardless of me telling you I'm happy. You felt you could make threats of putting rat poison on baby toys because you have cancer.

You were a wonderful mother.

Without you I wouldn't have the patience I have.

Without you I wouldn't know just how strong I am.

Without you I wouldn't be so passionate to victims.

Without you I wouldn't love and appreciate my other half so much.

Without you I wouldn't know I'd rather die than hurt my son.

Without you I wouldn't know that I'll be the best damn mother I can be.

So, thank you. Thank you for doing all of this and more. I'm happy to say you'll never see my perfect son, you'll never see me happy, you will never see the beautiful life we're making everyday.

Because you don't deserve to.