Tell me how you feel about this

Hi you guys!

I have a bit of an issue that I have with a guy and honestly this has been happening for a while now. Ever since my sophomore year of high school I've always had a thing for him until we started talking and it progressively started getting better after a while. Each year we had our ups and downs and we would stop talking because of our downs that we had and most of them weren't good but I still had a positive attitude towards him. When my senior year came around, we did something the day before graduation and honestly, I don't know how to feel about it or how to react it because it was just not a good experience for me what so ever... but now that were in the real world, he's been playing around with my emotions and I want something real and nothing childish but the problem is I can't contain myself around him and I just want to stop but can't... what do I do?